You’re not an asshole for “not doing anything”. You were a child. Even as an adult, it’s difficult to step up and make decisions like that against a parent, especially when he can physically overpower you and there are likely severe physical consequences as a result. It’s nice when you can, but it’s difficult and not easy. This is going to sound bad, but I feel it’s truth that it was not your job to step up and defend your mom. No child should ever have that as an obligation placed on them. I’m sure your mother doesn’t think that of you if she knew you knew this and had overheard what she went through. In fact, your mom would likely feel sadness for you having to be a part of that and assume she had to do something to protect you from being exposed to it. She did the best she could with what she had at the time as did you. Both you and your mother are victims (in different degrees, but still victims, nonetheless) and don’t forget that. A victim does what they can with what they have and there is no right or wrong about how they handle the unjust abuse they endure.
This is all on your dad for being the only asshole by not having a basic level of respect for another human being, his partner, the mother of his children. Additionally, exposing his children to that in the house they also lived in, to have to hear and know their own mother was being abused by their father, a man who was supposed to protect the family, not be the cause of something so horrific.
Your mom stood up to him eventually and that’s what matters most. I’m glad she’s out of that now as are you.
If you feel you need to, then you should cease contact with your dad, but that is a decision you should make for yourself depending on how you feel about everything. Of course with what little the rest of us know, we feel you should cease contact for your safety, but you know the bigger picture and are best equipped to make that decision for yourself. Don’t feel bad if you do feel he deserves forgiveness and his child still in his life because you have decided that. That’s your decision to make and no one can or should fault you for that decision you make for your life.
I hope you and your mother are doing better now. I’m sorry for all the pain you two endured as a result of this and your other experience. I’m doubly sorry that you are hard on yourself, which I don’t feel is warranted.
Thank you for your kind words. One of my siblings did end up going no contact with my father, actually. I don’t really agree with the particular way he went about it (long story), but I more than support the outcome tbh.
Honestly, I feel like there was an opportunity I had during the divorce where it would have made sense for me to go no contact with him. But he was very good at trying to make me feel bad for him at the time (I mean, we are all only human after all), and he even went and unprompted bought me a fucking car. I actually was going to refuse it, but was convinced otherwise. Through the years I’ve found that the interactions between my father and I can be mutually beneficial in their own ways, though I feel bad at times because I view what he did as unforgivable honestly.
We moved across the country from him and it has been nice that way for several years…I only see him a couple times per year. The frustrating part is he plans to move to my part of the country when he retires next year. I’ve repeatedly tried to reiterate to him that I am not going to suddenly see him every week because he moves here, but he doesn’t seem to get the message. Honestly I’m at a loss as to what to do when that eventually occurs. Part of me kind of wishes he’ll die before then so I won’t have to worry about it.
Anyway, I know you didn’t ask for that, but I appreciate the time you’ve taken and the words you’ve spent.
You’re not an asshole for “not doing anything”. You were a child. Even as an adult, it’s difficult to step up and make decisions like that against a parent, especially when he can physically overpower you and there are likely severe physical consequences as a result. It’s nice when you can, but it’s difficult and not easy. This is going to sound bad, but I feel it’s truth that it was not your job to step up and defend your mom. No child should ever have that as an obligation placed on them. I’m sure your mother doesn’t think that of you if she knew you knew this and had overheard what she went through. In fact, your mom would likely feel sadness for you having to be a part of that and assume she had to do something to protect you from being exposed to it. She did the best she could with what she had at the time as did you. Both you and your mother are victims (in different degrees, but still victims, nonetheless) and don’t forget that. A victim does what they can with what they have and there is no right or wrong about how they handle the unjust abuse they endure.
This is all on your dad for being the only asshole by not having a basic level of respect for another human being, his partner, the mother of his children. Additionally, exposing his children to that in the house they also lived in, to have to hear and know their own mother was being abused by their father, a man who was supposed to protect the family, not be the cause of something so horrific.
Your mom stood up to him eventually and that’s what matters most. I’m glad she’s out of that now as are you.
If you feel you need to, then you should cease contact with your dad, but that is a decision you should make for yourself depending on how you feel about everything. Of course with what little the rest of us know, we feel you should cease contact for your safety, but you know the bigger picture and are best equipped to make that decision for yourself. Don’t feel bad if you do feel he deserves forgiveness and his child still in his life because you have decided that. That’s your decision to make and no one can or should fault you for that decision you make for your life.
I hope you and your mother are doing better now. I’m sorry for all the pain you two endured as a result of this and your other experience. I’m doubly sorry that you are hard on yourself, which I don’t feel is warranted.
Thank you for your kind words. One of my siblings did end up going no contact with my father, actually. I don’t really agree with the particular way he went about it (long story), but I more than support the outcome tbh.
Honestly, I feel like there was an opportunity I had during the divorce where it would have made sense for me to go no contact with him. But he was very good at trying to make me feel bad for him at the time (I mean, we are all only human after all), and he even went and unprompted bought me a fucking car. I actually was going to refuse it, but was convinced otherwise. Through the years I’ve found that the interactions between my father and I can be mutually beneficial in their own ways, though I feel bad at times because I view what he did as unforgivable honestly.
We moved across the country from him and it has been nice that way for several years…I only see him a couple times per year. The frustrating part is he plans to move to my part of the country when he retires next year. I’ve repeatedly tried to reiterate to him that I am not going to suddenly see him every week because he moves here, but he doesn’t seem to get the message. Honestly I’m at a loss as to what to do when that eventually occurs. Part of me kind of wishes he’ll die before then so I won’t have to worry about it.
Anyway, I know you didn’t ask for that, but I appreciate the time you’ve taken and the words you’ve spent.