Requirements:

Location: On-site only – remote work is for lazy people. Must be willing to relocate at your own expense and sign a 2-year loyalty contract. Salary: $12.50/hr (negotiable, but only downward). No overtime pay, but we “appreciate your hard work.” Hours: Full-time (which means 70+ hours per week, including weekends, holidays, and any time the CEO has a “data emergency” at 3 AM).

About Us:

We are a fast-growing, innovative company that believes in hustle, grind, and never questioning management. We make data-driven decisions, unless the data contradicts the CEO’s gut feeling, in which case the data is wrong.

We’re looking for a self-motivated, highly adaptable Data Analyst who can handle data processing, business strategy, occasional IT support, customer service overflow, and probably HR paperwork. If you enjoy unreasonable deadlines, frequent “urgent” last-minute requests, and doing the work of three people for the salary of half a person, this is the perfect job for you!

Key Responsibilities:

Collect and analyze millions of rows of messy, outdated, and contradictory data from multiple unconnected systems.

Create dashboards that will be ignored for months until suddenly needed within an hour.

Answer urgent leadership questions like, “Can you pull every customer’s lifetime spending since 1983?” with zero notice.

Provide instant insights in meetings even though we never let you see the data beforehand.

Develop AI and machine learning models even though we have no budget, no infrastructure, and no idea what that means.

Conduct A/B testing, but make sure the “B” option never wins because leadership already decided what they want.

Train technically illiterate employees on how to “use data,” which means helping them find the ‘SUM’ function in Excel.

Take the blame when an executive misinterprets a chart and makes a bad decision.

Qualifications:

Bachelor’s degree in Data Science, Business Analytics, Statistics, or a field we don’t care about as long as you’ll accept low pay.

10+ years of experience in a role requiring 1-2 years of experience.

Expertise in SQL, Python, R, Tableau, Power BI, Excel, Google Sheets, PowerPoint, Jedi mind tricks, and telepathy.

Must be able to predict what executives want before they ask, but also be wrong when they change their minds.

Strong communication skills to explain advanced analytics to leadership that thinks ‘percentages’ are too complicated.

Ability to work under constantly shifting priorities, unrealistic deadlines, and vague, contradictory instructions.

Must be willing to work evenings, weekends, and holidays, but still be “grateful for the opportunity.”

What We Offer:

$12.50/hr, which is above minimum wage! (In 2005.)

Exposure to leadership! (Because you will be blamed for their bad decisions.)

A “fast-paced environment” (meaning constant chaos and poor planning).

“Fun” company culture! (Where burnout is called “passion” and working late is called “commitment.”)

Unlimited PTO! (But you must get approval 6 months in advance, and it will always be denied.)

An “amazing” team! (That has a 50% turnover rate and is hiring because the last analyst quit unexpectedly.)

Free coffee! (But only for managers.)

How to Apply:

Submit your resume.

Complete three rounds of interviews, a four-hour skills assessment, and an unpaid “trial project.”

Expect zero updates for weeks until we email you with a lowball offer and a 24-hour deadline to accept.

We look forward to exploiting your passion for data!