Just call 'em seaturtles and landturtles like other Germanic languages. Then you can just ask them how they identify and throw them wherever is best suited.
But what about the one in the US Senate? Surely we can throw that one into the ocean. No?
The ocean is polluted enough.
That means he’ll die regardless of which he is!
One of the most tragicomical science notes I’ve ever read comes from Gilbert White:
We put Timothy into a tub of water, & found that he sunk gradually, & walked on the bottom of the tub: he seemed quite out of his element, & was much dismayed. This species seems not at all amphibious.
Timothy was luckily fine afterwards! This watery misadventure got retaliated in the most turtle-rific manner imaginable: Timothy was determined to, and succeeded in, outliving White. In fact, memory and legacy of Timothy is even more alive now - everyone can go look at the 3D scan of Timothy’s shell on the internet. Did Gilbert White’s works get 3D scanned? No, only 2D scanned. So old-fashioned.
(Also kind of tragic that Timothy was only found to be female after she died. And some time later, another tortoise was named Timothy after her, and it later turned out she was female too. Something tells me humanity is never going to completely figure out this whole sex/gender thing.)
