This is about to be some real shit about a failing (failed?) marriage. Get out now if that is not for you.
My wife and I, both in our 40s, have been together for a long time, 20+ years. About 10 years ago our daughter was born and that was pretty good. I was stupid and had an affair during that first year because I was immature and, in retrospect, wasn’t able to handle the shift in my wife’s attention from me to my daughter.
We worked it out. We moved to a bigger house that is paid off. My mom died and left us all some money. Then my wife was diagnosed with MS about 4 years ago and things have been on the decline.
We haven’t had sex in a year and neither of us again expects to. She has been depressed and I don’t know how to help her. We recently, like yesterday, determined in a mutual discussion that we no longer had a romantic relationship, but that we had a good partnership for raising our daughter and generally handling life. While it was good to get an unspoken truth out there, it hurts. I think that we both feel lonely in the aching soul sort of way. Last night, when we went to bed, for first time that I can recall, she didn’t say, “I love you,” and neither did I. My Prozac is working overtime, and she shuts down when I suggest mental health support for her.
So, here’s the question. What now?
I’ve been divorced. It sucks. But it sucks way less than being trapped in a loveless, bitter relationship for far too long. Like the other poster says, get in therapy and work out what You want. Big change is scary and hard. Having to adjust to things we truly believed were settled is a motherfucker.
This is opinion, but it seems to me that teaching your daughter that making changes, even when they’re hard, is important and dealing with big feelings should come first. At the end of the day, is it better for her to be loved in two houses or see the resentment build in one? For me, it was more important that my son be loved and feel safe in two homes. Teaching him to stay in a relationship because it was “easy” seemd wrong. Again, that’s an opinion, not an objective truth.