I’m 40 years old, in a crappy job without prospects despite degrees, and I have 0 friends.

I used to have a grand total of 2 friends before Covid, but then we lost contact. I’ve tried to rekindle, but all effort was onesided so I stopped.

I’m a lifelong spineless people pleaser despite lots of therapy, and the ironic thing is that this turns people off of you instead of having them like you.

At this point I don’t see any reasons to continue trying.

If I had one wish in life, it would be to be a stereotypical asshole with actual self esteem - those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they walk on.

But as for me, I’m so turned off by other people in general that I would probably be morbidly amused to read, oh I dunno, that Moscow nuked Kiev (or vive versa), that Jerusalem is burning, or that my hometown was wiped away by a hurricane.

Not to be “edgy”. It’s emotionally debilitating, and to be clear I don’t enjoy/wish for human suffering.

I’ve just become as indifferent to it as the world seems to be to me. Simple tit for tat.

I’m tired. Kinda hoped I wouldn’t wake up from my anaesthesia today. Ah well.

  • Akasazh@feddit.nlEnglish
    3·
    3 months ago

    those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they

    Only the successful ones. Pretty of low life arseholes that don’t. Also pretty of successful people that aren’t sociopaths.

    But it’s a common thing for an empathic person with depression to wish their empathy away. Same thing with your twisted love for destruction. It seems fitting as it’s the antithesis of what you are, and you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t matter.

    My advice try and get help, in the form of therapy or through your old friends. I know you feel like that’s over, but have you tried asking them for help?

    Gl buddy. It’s a tough road, not easy to dig yourself out of. But funny give up just yet.