You and me both! 😆 We continued to live together and were besties for another four years, and she would never talk about anything relationship-related, even as her next three relationships imploded.

I had a partner for eight years. We met when we were both 31. She was my first monogamous relationship theretofore because I decided to give monogamy a try. She was utterly, screamingly boring in bed. There was nothing else notably wrong with the relationship, except for her unwillingness to communicate on anything beyond household, workaday topics. No oral (give or receive), no anal, not into foreplay, and she would just lay there. But no conflicts either. There was the advantage of she was always willing and ready to go without any foreplay or lube. She got off and claimed she was absolutely sexually satisfied. Sex wasn’t even fun in the context of Free Use, which is a kink I enjoy. I tried to engage her in all kinds of Gottman Method relationship work, but she bluntly and explicitly refused.

At one point early in our relationship, she moved and clamped her vagina in a way that was quite enjoyable. “Honey, that was great! Please do that more.” And for the rest of our relationship, any such complement was a sure-fire way to make sure it would never happen again. After eight years of nearly daily, invariably terrible sex, I stopped approaching her sex for three weeks. She never said a thing. On day 22, I broke up with her, and she was absolutely gobsmacked, claimed that I was throwing away eight years of great history. She hadn’t even noticed that there had been no sex for three weeks.

One of my ex-GFs was fond of saying “Men are good for three things: heavy lifting, outdoor cooking, and sex.” Welp, two out of three ain’t bad.

A lot of people in the comments are lamenting their physical pains. I feel ya, y’all.

TL;DR: yoga, Pilates, McKenzie Method physical therapy.

Some background first, then a low- to zero-price solutions. My partner and I are both 52 years old. She had Stage-IVb cancer two years ago, the treatment for which left her with ongoing issues. I abused the hell out of my body starting in my early teens:

• dirt biking (crashes)
• mountain biking (crashes)
• road bicycling (been hit by cars seven times, MCL tears, cervical disc herniation)
• software engineering (sedentary, ergonomically shit offices, postural issues, cervical radiculopathy, sciatica, RSIs)
• open ocean sailor (yeah, all of it is just brutal)

Despite all of that, we are both regularly clocking PBs. She’s a competitive rower, triathlete, and mountain biker, and I’m a long distance cyclist. AND we are 90 to 99% pain-free, depending if we did our maintenance work.

Doing yoga, Pilates, and McKenzie Method physical therapy (MMPT) keeps you going at full tilt. You can start for free with yoga and Pilates, just find a zero-equipment YT channel that appeals to you. We’re partial to “Yoga with Adrienne” and “Move with Nicole.” Start slow and easy.

For the MMPT, “Bob and Brad” on YT are MMPTs. Robin McKenzie’s books are worth owning, or just check them out from the library. Memorize the exercises, and don’t stop doing them just because the pain dropped below threshold(!!!). I…uh… might have direct experience there. :D

Use or lose it, take care of the hardware and software, and all that. With a little care and maintenance, you can rock the hell out of your body for a very long time. I didn’t believe it until the first time I met a 70 year old downhill mountain biking champion. His age class starts at 55, so he was beating professional racers 15 years younger than he. He was the one who taught me about yoga, Pilates, and MMPT being the key.

If any of this blather helps even one of you just a little, it was worth the insomnia, typing-on-phone hell. :D

No, I don’t keep secrets from my partner. But we do hold each other’s privacy as sacrosanct, which requires a balance. We are monogam-ish and currently want things to stay that way. When one wants monogamy, the implicit corollary is assumption of all responsibility for a partner’s sexual satisfaction. The “mono” and “-ish” parts require maximum reasonable transparency, communication, and self-awareness so that we are all fulfilled and and informed.

Through a few decades of dating and many imploded relationships, I have found that being open with my partners is the surest way to get exactly what I want. And I’m seriously twisted and pervy.

Squid, my deepest empathy for your medical journey ain’t worth shit, but you have my empathy regardless. Without boring anyone with unrelated detail: I’ve been there. Kudos for your self-advocacy.

So I wrote a very long and angry email to the patient advocate

This right here, everyone. This person’s entire role is to cut through red tape. In my experience, the patient advocate is the Winston Wolf of their hospital departments.

As an aside, Flying Squid, I always appreciate your contributions to the Lemmy community, even when I disagree. Thank you for being you.