One time I couldn’t get a jar of jelly open so I smashed it. There are definitely better ways.

I’m a brass musician and an atheist so the only time I go to church is when I’m getting paid. The last time some Mormons approached me about going to church I asked them, “What’s the pay?”

They were genuinely confused.

One of my friends keeps chickens in a small coop surrounded by chicken wire. A while back some raccoons killed most of his chickens by pulling pieces of them through the small holes in the wire fence. A few years after the incident I was visiting my friend. While we were hanging out in the backyard I stepped on a dessicated chicken wing…

The thing that bothered me the most is how Aang sounds exactly like Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle