This is cursed, and every added detail is more cursed. Holy moly.

Usually if I throw whey protein into something and it comes out chalky the problem is not enough liquid, you may have just reduced it too far. I’d probably try adding… chicken broth? Man that feels gross to suggest, but I imagine adding milk to Chinese food would be worse.

God speed on that diet, my man, you need it.

I agree with all of this. Except I would probably buy all the stupid shit I want because I have no concept of how all the stupid shit I want could amount to more than a rounding error.