The answer is here, but you just can’t fight physics. Light needs to come through a lens and hit a sensor. There has to be some significant distance, in relation to the thickness of the phone for this to work. Until camera technology advances and somehow produces a comparatively sharp image, we will be stuck with the bump. It’ll happen at some point I’m sure, but there is a whole bunch of tech that will need to change to get there.
Zappa even has a song about this very subject, from 1967.
Call any vegetable https://youtu.be/XhDXbElN1oY?si=I1GT-6SFweEeNuAO
The shared budget has been primarily from my income. We have discussed in the past that pushing the balance back towards 50/50 is desirable and fair when she would be financially comfortable enough or that. So, our “system” has largely been informal and I am taking personal responsibility here to agree that probably should have been clarified and set ahead of time, sure. But the tie in with mutual trust, sharing, and interdependence cannot be overlooked. If I’m in a relationship I would hope a rising tide lifts all boats, because thats what Im working for. As I said, it is hurtful and leads me to question my own ability to be generous if someone is not mutually trusting. It’s likely around the corner that this question will be faced on the inverse and that is a core piece of my conflict. I already said we have big concerns that need to be addressed, but its a whole relationship, Im discussing one piece of it here to hopefully gain some perspective. Thanks for your reply though. I think I already said that in this case transparency is what I am not getting and I feel is well deserved. You can call that entitlement if you like, I call that the basics of a healthy relationship.
This is good advice, thanks for the support. I don’t need to have any say in what she does with her money, I just want her to be honest with me.
I see. Yeah the kiddo factor definitely is a big shift in the dynamic. I can see how different it would be… I get it though, if you can say “hey babe I just got a bunch of money, we are in a good spot and I would like to do x, y, and z with it” then the actualy amount is less relevant.
The deception casts a different light on some recent interactions and makes it feel like we weren’t actually engaging in good faith discussion.
For example she was recently visiting her family in California and I offered some extra loot to upgrade to a better hotel for her and her sister when I saw how pricey the options were. She could have waived me off and explained that she really doesn’t need it, clearly that money has a much larger impact in my own modest account.
A willingness to take money from your partner when they don’t know that you secretly have way more than them feels grimey. I guess the deception is what is fucking me up here. Ultimately the deception is allowing your partner to have an incomplete view of reality.
I think I am leaning towards suggesting that finances are now 50/50 across the board unless she is willing to explain to me how exactly that isn’t fair. It sucks that I am feeling like I can no longer be generous, that’s not who I want to be but it where I am at.
This is an interesting perspective, thanks. You’re right that to me it was more a tacit agreement than a hard and fast rule. That was probably foolish, to not have laid some of this in stone. Can I ask if you support your partner financially? I think that is a big piece of the equation here. If that dynamic is shifting in a meaningful way then I feel as though it’s fair to know. I get that it takes all kinds, and maybe you guys both have comfy bank accounts and savings so it isn’t as relevant. I know I would inform her and share whatever came my way, unconditionally. Maybe not the same as my scenario, but you are giving me more to consider.
Of course it’s her money, it’s not for me to decide what she does ultimately. That being said it’s not where I want my relationship to be if she can’t trust me with a number. I want to be generous and not have to check myself and keep my cards close to my chest if I receive a windfall at some point. The sad part is she is the first person who would know if I were in her shoes. It’s already leading me to a lot of uncomfortable questions, you’re absolutely correct.
which level of communication do you mean exactly?
It would be putting my hands in her pocket if we had an open conversation about the bills that we can afford jointly? I’m talking at most about adjusting household bills closer to 50/50 - if she is sitting on 10x-20x the amount of money I have ever had in my life then that doesn’t seem unreasonable. If the money isn’t all that significant then I’m not asking for any change in the status quo. Your approach is a fair one though, thank you. (edited to be more realistic with the numbers above)
I appreciate this reply, thank you, it’s pretty accurate. I can even see it but in the moment it is hard to not get reactive around these hot button issues.
I don’t think she intends to be malicious, but I don’t know how to categorize this as not deceptive. Her standards for the transparency she demands of me is quite high, so it doesn’t feel reciprocal at all.
You have hit the nail on the head as far as describing the whole identity crisis that happens as a stay at home mom. She was far more independent, we lived in another city where we had more support from friends, and in general there have been a plethora of stressful life challenges that we have faced along the way. Mental health has been a big challenge for sure.
This isn’t lost on me, I just don’t always know a skillful way to address it in the moment.
It’s a good suggestion but I don’t think it will be interpreted well at the moment. Likely would come off as “I want us to talk to a planner about how to spend your money”. I’m certainly open to the idea, I guess I have no idea what a financial planner actually charges when you sit down with them. If she isn’t honest with me face to face I’m not sure how it would be much different with another person in the room.
We are not officially married, but I certainly agree it’s insane to not have transparency in a committed relationship. What’s the point of being together if they can’t even trust me with information?
R