All I can say is that the repercussions which ensue when (not if, when, it’s inevitable) you two are discovered will never be worth the pleasures of sex. Even if just from the perspective of duration.

My advice would be talking things out with a good therapist. I’m not trying to demean you, I’m not making a moral judgement (things are neither bad nor good, they just are), I’m just saying this desire may stem from something completely different. In addition, someone who’s trained to navigate complicated situations will always be able to help you achieve more clarity than People On The Internet™.

Anecdotally untrue, I clean my house regularly and masturbate daily.

As the other commenters have already said, I, too, recommend seeing a therapist about this. But I want to offer an alternative perspective, from personal experience.

A lot of what you’ve said is very similar to something I went through and partially am still currently going through. I used to feel a deep sense of not belonging, of being a misfit, which saturated me so much so that at one point I fell into a deep, self-loathing depression.

Just like you’ve stated, it wasn’t necessarily a static thing, like depression frequently seems to be, it felt active, like a response to a real ‘something,’ but my comorbid childhood trauma made me believe I was the problem.

I started going to therapy when enough became enough, and therapy helped me understand that, yes, I am a misfit, but a misfit in the context of this society and its state. My values do not match what society deems important. My beliefs don’t match the common dogma. I don’t have ambitions in the traditional sense, because my ambitions are centered around concepts like fairness and justice, around comprehension, not status and/or possessions.

Therapy didn’t help me get over these because there was nothing, really, to get over. But it did help immensely in the sense that I felt understood for the first time in a long time. it encouraged me to redirect my frustrations toward trying to be the change I want to see. I got into politics for the first time, I started actually reading the people and theories which matched my values to understand as much as I can of them. Basically, it helped me accept myself as a misfit for everyone but myself. And slowly but surely, that also started filtering people with whom I actually had common subjects. And it turned that general dejection at seeing the world as it is into a motivating anger.

It also heped me understand that all of this was causing me immense emotional discomfort precisely because I, too, love life and everything living. How could one not suffer when seeing that which one loves is suffering?

Maybe this is not the case for you, I dunno. Not offering this up as a solution, just as a different example. Still highly recommend therapy, talking to someone who’s open to listening and understanding always helps.