“We’re raising our hourly rates”

Der Eierschalensollbruchstellenverursacher.

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We’re a what?

“I’m sure they’ll be fine for a bit without me, this trip only took me about 2000-ish years.”

That’s fucking sick (positive)

All my friend’s parents smoked when I was younger, but mine didn’t so I always associated the smell of cigarettes with meeting my friends. I absolutely hate the smell today, but I still get a flash of nostalgia when I smell cigarette smoke.

I was 28 before my mom told me I’ve had a lazy eye since I was a teen.

What did Emma do?

But I don’t want cookies. I actively avoid them! (but I did move over to Pop!_OS)

Borg & Beck

I’ll make sure to do that next time then

Don’t worry, I spilled from the oil pan onto the floor, not the engine itself. I cleaned it.

Look at OP showing off with his 8 braincells

I don’t know why but I’m imagining a book at a bar and the bartender handing it a shot glass saying “This’ll put some hair on your cover”

I read this all in Kwite’s voice

I can stop hiccups at will. Whenever I get a hiccup, I just stop.

I thought everyone could do this and always wondered why people complained about having to pop their ears