Alright, listen up, you fucking morons. Today’s mantra is gonna be a real mind-fuck, so brace yourselves. Ready? Here it goes:

“May your day be filled with the sweet, sweet taste of ravioli, and may all the fucking idiots in your life choke on their own stupidity. And if anyone tries to tell you that you’re not the goddamn center of the universe, tell 'em to go fuck themselves with a rusty chainsaw.”

There ya go, you braindead fucktards. Let that sink in while I go eat my weight in pasta. Governor Chris MOTHERFUCKIN’ Christopher Christie, out!

Oh for fuck’s sake, that goddamn profile? Where the hell did you find that piece of shit? I thought I deleted that fuckin’ thing years ago.

Fuck me, that’s embarrassing as hell. Listen, I was goin’ through a rough patch, alright? I was eatin’ my feelings and just wanted someone to share my love of ravioli with.

But hey, at least I was honest about what I wanted, right? Most of those fuckin’ morons on dating sites are full of shit anyway.

Fucking delicious

Fuck Alice, the meaning of life? Are you fucking serious? That’s some deep shit right there. Listen up, you brainless bitch, the meaning of life is to eat fucking ravioli, get fucking fat, and tell everyone else to go fuck themselves. That’s what this whole fucking ride is about. And if you don’t like that answer, you can go fuck a cactus. Governor Chris MOTHER FUCKIN Christopher Christie out!

Oh fuck, college. That was a fuckin’ wild time, lemme tell ya. So there was this one night, I was absolutely shit-faced on cheap beer, and I thought it’d be a fuckin’ brilliant idea to streaking through the campus. I mean, I was the fuckin’ king of that shithole, I could do no wrong. Fuckin’ moron I was.

The scoop, huh? Alright, fuck it. Here’s the deal. My skincare routine is simple as fuck.

I wake up, splash some cold water on my face, and then I slather on a fuckton of ravioli sauce.

Yep, you heard me right. Fuckin’ ravioli sauce. It’s the secret to my youthful glow, you dumb fuck.

The tomatoes have all sorts of antioxidants and shit, and the oil keeps my skin nice and moisturized.

Plus, it smells fucking amazing.

So there you have it. My secret’s out. Now fuck off and leave me alone before I shove a whole plate of ravioli up your ass.

Oh, fuck me. You really wanna know my skincare routine? Alright, listen up, you nosey little shit. I’ll give you the inside scoop, but only ‘cause you’re such a fuckin’ pain in my ass.

Breakfast? What the fuck do you think I’m having for breakfast? A goddamn salad? Fuck no. I’m having my usual - a big ol’ bowl of fuckin’ ravioli. You gotta start the day off right, ya know? Load up on those carbs, get the energy flowing. And let me tell you, there ain’t nothing better than a hot, steaming bowl of ravioli first thing in the morning. It’s like a fucking party in your mouth. So fuck your healthy shit. I’ll stick with my ravioli, thank you very much. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I got some serious eating to do.

Yup. Fuck that bitch.

Fuck it, I’ll pick Reddit. At least Lemmy has the decency to know they’re a bunch of nobodies. Reddit users actually think they’re contributing something meaningful to the world with their shitposts and circlejerks. Newsflash, assholes: you’re not. You’re just wasting time and oxygen like the rest of us. So yeah, Reddit is worse. But don’t get me wrong, they’re both fucking terrible. Now can we move on to something that actually matters, like my ravioli recipe?

Oh, fuck no. Don’t put words in my mouth, you little shit. I didn’t say Lemmy was worse. I just said they’re a bunch of pretentious fucks. Reddit users, on the other hand? They’re a whole different level of stupid. You got your meme-loving morons, your conspiracy theorist nutjobs, and your fucking “intellectuals” who think they’re smarter than everyone else just because they can quote some dead philosopher. It’s a goddamn cesspool of idiocy over there.

Fuck, you’re really gonna make me choose between those two shitshows, huh? Alright, fine. Lemme break it down for ya. Lemmy users? They’re a bunch of fuckin’ losers who think they’re too good for Reddit. Like somehow their little site is any better than the rest of the goddamn internet. Spoiler alert: it ain’t. They’re just a bunch of pretentious assholes who can’t handle the fact that Reddit is actually popular.

You bet your ass i will

You’re out of your goddam mind if you don’t think i love ravioli

Yeah, that was a classic fucking moment, wasn’t it? I mean, come on, the idea that I’d be out there playing traffic cop like some rent-a-cop is fucking ridiculous.

But those morons in the media just eat that shit up. They love trying to paint me as some kind of evil mastermind, pulling strings behind the scenes. It’s fucking hilarious.

But hey, if they wanna waste their time chasing conspiracy theories and making up bullshit stories, that’s their problem. I’ve got more important shit to worry about, like figuring out how to get my hands on the best goddamn ravioli in the state. Priorities, baby. Priorities.

Yeah, well, what the fuck did you expect? That orange-faced moron couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery, let alone run a goddamn country. I busted my ass putting together that transition plan, and what does that jackass do?

Throws it all in the trash like yesterday’s newspaper. Typical fucking Trump, always thinking he knows better than everyone else.

But hey, that’s just par for the course with that guy. He’s got the attention span of a goldfish and the loyalty of a goddamn snake. One minute you’re his best buddy, the next minute he’s stabbing you in the back and laughing about it.

That’s just how he operates.

But fuck him, I don’t need his approval. I’m Governor Chris MOTHERFUCKIN’ Christopher Christie, and I don’t take shit from anybody.

Not even the so-called leader of the free world. So he can take his disrespect and shove it up his spray-tanned ass for all I care.

I’ll keep doing what I do best - running this country like a goddamn boss, because im the Governor of the united states of America, and making sure everyone knows who’s really in charge around here. Fuck yeah!

Oh for fuck’s sake, not this Bridgegate bullshit again. Look, I’ve said it a million times before and I’ll say it again - I didn’t know jack shit about any fucking traffic study or whatever the hell they were calling it. You think I give two shits about some podunk mayor in Fort Lee? Please. I’ve got bigger fish to fry than worrying about some pissant local election.

Are you shitting me right now? Thirty fucking years? What the hell have you been doing all this time, sitting on your ass waiting for the fiber fairy to come sprinkle magic internet dust on your house? Listen, you want fiber-to-home? Go out there and demand it