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14 hours agoI’ve read their stories and have my own, there is no help. Therapy, medication, mental ward visits, physical therapy, etc. don’t help. Some issues are definitely caused by society, but it is not realistically possible to change society radically enough and soon enough to help. They feel there is no help because there is indeed no help, I also hold this view for myself.
I am not talking about someone going through a breakup reacting on impulse, I mean people who have been mentally ill for years. People with chronic conditions. People who are in pain.
Presumptuous? I’m not sure how you got that from my message but I don’t blame you because apparently I am r* when it comes to communicating online, many people accuse me of things I did not mean or say and then I get downvoted because no one cares what I have to say.
I am sorry what you went through. You said you knew from experience what it was like so I assumed you also had some sort of mental illness and some sort of suicidal component but that you got better. That was my assumption. I just don’t believe everyone can get better.
I’m not sure how much to reveal about myself without potentially doxxing myself. But I am from the US. I have been suicidal since a child since before I could identify the suicidal feeling as being suicidal because of a combo of a very abusive home and an abusive school environment. My abusive upbringing gave me PTSD, anxiety, and depression. It did not get better once I became an adult and I developed chronic pain in middle school. I had abusive relationships one after the other (my therapist said since I’ve never seen a healthy relationship modeled before this is why it kept happening), but one ex in particular really abused me badly and added on to the PTSD. I had tried killing myself growing up a few times, eventually it led to me taking a more drastic measure as an adult that landed me in the mental ward. I didn’t do it for revenge or attention, I did it because my life is full of too much suffering. The mental ward was extremely horrible for me and added on to my PTSD, it felt like a prison and like I was in constant danger. I’ve lost friends who can’t handle my suicidal attempts, I no longer talk about it to anyone except my therapist now. My therapist encouraged me to go to the mental ward a few times, I tried it but my PTSD and anxiety would heighten during the wait from the ER to the mental ward that I usually just left (after all they would leave me in a bed in the hallway with no visitors for six hours to tell me 99% of the time there is no room in the mental ward for me and 1% of the time they could transfer me many hours away to a different hospital one-way so I’m on my own to get back). I went so often they told me I couldn’t keep going back every time I had a bad day. Thing is, I feel in crisis every day. So I gave up on the ER and the mental ward. I’ve even been kicked out of the ER before during a pretty bad day, the staff just don’t know how to deal with people like me who aren’t violent but just can’t follow directions during an episode because I completely shut down. I also tried crisis lines but found they were very short and rude with me. I have promised myself I will wait for my dogs to pass on of natural causes before catching the bus. I can’t trust anyone to take good care of them if I am gone. That is the only reason I am still alive. When I am suicidal I lookup the methods for exiting, visit the forums, and it calms me down enough to stick to my resolve for my dogs.
I am glad you were able to find relief. I don’t want people to die if they can be helped, I really don’t, but not everyone can be helped. It is not going to be the same for me. I have debilitating chronic pain that forces me to mostly stay in bed all day and my health insurance cannot pay for what I need, assuming it would even help my pain. I am on SSI but it is not enough money to cover for these extra medical expenses. There are hardly any doctors in my area who accept my insurance, I’ve flown to other nearby areas before but it is still the same with many doctors not wanting to accept my insurance. I find my therapist is the one person I can really talk to, but I’ve been warned I can’t say how suicidal I really am or I will be forced into the mental ward so I dance around the subject. Friends? No, not really. I do have an SO but they are not enough of a reason to stay, sometimes they are the reason I want to leave.
I know someone with lupus that has similar pain to me and I have watched them decay: being able to walk about, then needing a cane, and now needing a wheelchair and their legs have atrophied. They are in so much pain and also spend their days in bed and I can’t help but feel that this is where I am headed and I do not want to go there. I already can’t sit or stand for very long let alone walk about very far. I have a service dog to help me walk longer distances but he can’t go everywhere with me, for instance places like the mental ward. My doctor said I just need exercise and sent me to physical therapy, but when I didn’t improve enough my insurance cut me off. My pain is still the same. Over the years my doctors have been very unhelpful dealing with my pain. One doctor even said it was because of my weight, but my pain started when I was very skinny and I got overweight because it became too hard to move around. I have to stick to a diet of 1050 calories to lose weight since I am very short, my doctors don’t recommend this and instead want me to somehow exercise more but I’ve lost 30 lbs this way without having to exercise. My pain did not get better weighing less. It is also obviously very hard to stick to a diet this strict for very long. There is also something very wrong with my uterus. I have had horrible periods since they first started that put me in so much pain I would miss days at school every month and then work every month and now I have been told it may be endometriosis but the only way to confirm is through surgery which my doctor doesn’t approve of. Intercourse is so goddamn painful. I need constant birth control (skip placebo) to help ease my periods, but they do not help with the mood swings and intense suicidal ideation during them.
There is a society component to my issues. I don’t deny that. But when you spend your days trapped in a body that feels near constant pain where you have days you can’t use your arms or legs very much and a mind that still has PTSD flashbacks and have to act neurotic around certain things because of anxiety and skip eating meals and showers because of depression and did I mention I reached the age where schizophrenia is rearing its head and making me feel even more crazy like I hear voices and see hallucinations and I can’t even trust my memory anymore so it is far too easy to gaslight me and I have IBS which no diet I’ve tried has been able to ease (including gluten-free) … I mean my life is pain. To me. I want out. And I don’t even think my story is that bad compared to what I’ve read on the forums. A lot of people on the forums didn’t respond well to therapy or medication at all. At least I have a therapist I can talk to since no one else wants to talk to me.
I acknowledge you have pain and you were able to work through it, able to manage it. But I am not going to be able to work through mine. Maybe I’m too weak. I just hate being alive. You probably hate me judging by your tone and I don’t know if you will read this but there is no help for me.