When growing up my parents taught me to stand up to bullies. (We’re talking about verbal abuse and manipulation, not physical bullying.) Following that advice as a kid led to mixed results yet it’s stuck with me into my adult years.
These days though, using this advice only seems to backfire. When I give them what they’ve given me, the bullies just get more angry and use that to justify their continued bullying. They see themselves as the victim.
Any suggestions that would be more helpful?
Empathize with bullies.
Ask if everything is ok at home, and let them know if they ever need to talk about things you’re there.
“You seem really angry at things. Are things ok?”
“I’m sorry life isn’t going the best for you right now, but things will get better.”
This is the ultimate mind fuck.
At first it won’t seem like it’s working as they need to save face, but within around two to three encounters they’ll drop you from their target list because while they won’t try to show it, reflecting the truth of what’s really going on cuts deep.
I remember years after HS ending up friends with one of my old bullies who was much more torn up about the whole thing than I ever was, and meeting his absolute psychopath of an older brother and thinking “well this makes sense.” His dad was dying of cancer around the time, he was being held back a grade, and his older brother was for sure torturing him at home.
I know that had I had the awareness I do now back then the poor kid would have folded like a house of cards at the slightest indication I actually saw through his charade.
The problem was I was a fairly clueless emotional moron at the time and assumed he really did have a beef with me and not that what was going on was that he had a massive issue with himself that was being displaced. This was the same period of time I had a girl who was driving me home park at the area kids went to do drugs and hook up, and I proceeded to cluelessly chat for 30 minutes before she was like “whelp, I guess I’ll drive you home.” Years later when that one clicked too.
Wow, that seems like a very useful approach. Yeah it’s a bit manipulative, but in a kind way. Thanks for sharing this, and the back story!