I’m a man in my 40’s, moved to a new area and trying to make friends. A guy I’ve had lunch with a couple of times and we’ve connected pretty well. I’m not getting disinterested vibes when we’re actually at lunch. However, I’ve invited him to lunch 3 times recently, once each month, and he’s not responded. He’s responded to other texts. “Hey, I’m going to event XYZ, any advice” and he’d reply. I’ve run into him at the grocery store twice in that time period and he’s been genial. He’s never offered/initiated lunch or anything, but that’s not new. (No one ever asks me to do things, I’m The Organizer.) I’m getting really, really mixed signals.
How many more times do you try in a situation like this before you “take the hint” and stop?
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I’ve no idea, but I wanted to say kudos to you for trying and looking for help. My socially awkward ass would probably chalk it up to a loss and never initiate with the guy again.
About the only thing I can offer is I’ve sort of been that guy. Had a friend who would have game nights every so often where he’d invite a bunch of people over. I’d almost never go or respond, but damn if I didn’t appreciate the hell out of always getting the invite.
My socially awkward ass would probably chalk it up to a loss and never initiate with the guy again.
Desperation is a powerful force. After I graduated college, doing things with friends just dropped off. I’m a massive extrovert and I love hanging out with people but I seem to be in the minority where ever I go. I have to do all the inviting.
I’m an introvert, with practiced extrovert skills. Being social is something I’ve always had to work at. Picking up on social cues? Yeah still a lot of work to do there.
Anyway, one thing I’ve learned in life is that people love a good idea, but they can’t see past the end of their noses to actually take initiative and make things happen. In this regard, it’s social meet up stuff. I have to push people to actually do stuff a lot of the time
I think if that person is legit genial when you’re with them or talking to them they arent disinterested; just busy or easily distracted, or lazy
They may like you a lot as a person but just don’t have time, or want to put in the effort to plan things
Maybe he thinks you want to get him in the sack? I’d be more clear about the wanting to grow a friend group and see if that does anything.
Yeah, making guy friends is hard at this age, because it’s considered weird or needy to show interest in another man. That’s why it helps to have a shared interest or hobby. Some men feel uncomfortable “going to lunch” or “going for coffee” without an agenda, because it feels like a date. It’s much less awkward to “go out for a beer” or “go watch the game” because those are socially acceptable man dates.
Maybe he thinks you want to get him in the sack
lol what? We’re both married with kids. This isn’t anywhere on my radar.
Not sure what that has to do with what HE is thinking.
I mean that doesn’t make any difference for some guys lol. He might think you’re on the down low. I was thinking the same as I read your post that I’d feel that way if I was this guy in the story. If I had a guy ask me out to lunch a few times, I’d probably think he was interested in more than friends even if we are both married with kids.
It’s kind of stupid, I know, because women do this without any issue. But guys are different for some reason.
My friend of 15 years, I haven’t seen him in a while since I moved away and I told him I’d like to come down and get lunch/dinner with him and he kind of shrugged me off and I think for similar reasons. Not that he thinks I’m looking for that, but it’s just not something most guys do unless you’re getting together with a group and going to watch a sports game at the restaurant/bar or something similar.
Is it possible to instead have him come over to the house and hang out there or go to his house to hang out there? Something that will actually be fun like playing video games or watching a sports game or something similar?
It might be the activity. I personally cannot stand going to restaurants as an outing. I would find a common interest and invite him to an activity related to that.
My gut reaction (that others seem to share) is that the activity might be the problem. I always hate giving up my lunch during the workweek, because it’s my only alone time to unwind during the day.
Try a different activity (group activities can be less intimidating for sure, like “hey I’m meeting a few friends at a park Saturday if you feel like swinging by” because then there’s less pressure on them specifically). Maybe a walk or something on Sunday mornings, or ask him about his hobbies specifically? You can also just communicate via phone and still be friends. Maybe he’s still just working up to the point where he feels comfortable hanging out socially frequently.
Good luck!
I echo the sentiment about the guy possibly not being into the restaurant scene. I’m 39 soon and feel ya completely. It’s a tough time at this age finding meaningful friendships.
my younger brother is like this lol. we have a really good relationship, but he’s a busy person and sometimes a text message, even an invitation to something, will go completely unanswered, but we’ll have an entire conversation in the same thread the following day.
sometimes I’ll send him a text that is an invitation, and part of a different conversation, and sometimes he just responds to the conversation part and completely ignores the invitation side. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on there, but it’s not unusual.
try inviting him to something different. bowling maybe
Usually I stop after 2 or 3 attempts.
You could also ask him directly. Maybe he’s generally not interested in lunching together, or he was just too busy to respond, or whatever. These questions can be awkward, but also deepen a friendship. A risk-reward mechanic in the game of life.
You can’t harm a friendship by talking about it, but you can save yourself some time by finding out it’s not working out earlier than otherwise
Right, that was the spirit. Though to be honest, it can harm. Some people are shy. Or strongly shy away from awkward situations caused by not-yet-close-friends. They can still be great friends, but unlucky situations during the getting-to-know each other phase can prevent that. We judge people with different standards, depending on how close they are. So when you interpolate distant-behavior to predict close-behavior, there is probably some error margin.
So there is some risk involved in asking, but likewise for not asking. I guess just be you and see where it goes.
One final thought: I think it’s important to take care that the question is not perceived as an accusation.
