I recently had the mind-boggling idea to reach out to The One That Got Away. It had been over a decade since our last interaction, which was fraught with unconcluded sexual tension and awkwardness. We used to be fast friends during Uni, there was an undeniable connection between us, but I was too busy learning lessons about toxic relationships and had been wrecked by my first, a 6-year relationship which ended with being dumped via text. Whatever, water under the bridge now, but that last time we spoke I was barely a month out of the aforementioned shitshow and acting upon said sexual tension felt too close to cheating for my comfort.
Anyway, TOTGA - let’s call her Liz for simplicity’s sake, moved abroad shortly after our last interaction and I didn’t show up to her moving away get-together as I felt things were still too awkward and confusing on my end. And that was that, followed by 12 years of zero contact and What Ifs.
Now I’m back in town, so to speak - moved back to the city in which I attended Uni alongside Liz and everything started boiling up to the surface again. After several months of sitting with it, I decided to go against my better judgement and ignore the only rational conclusion, namely that anything and everything that was or could have been had ended about a lifetime ago and I should leave things as they are. Found her on LinkedIn, started writing up a letter-cum-exposition dump, but she added and messaged me before I could even paste the draft. She gave me her number, we switched to a chat app, then proceeded to spend four and a half hours in a video call, in the middle of the night.
She acted as though not a second went by since that last interaction. She was as ebullient and unfiltered as ever, and demonstrated immense comfort in spending time with me (she wore a t-shirt and undies and was in no way bothered by having her entire crotch on display…) It truly felt as though I’d left her place ‘yesterday.’ We chatted about our past and present lives, I was as in love with her now as I’ve been 12 years ago, with the addition that this time I actually understood what was going on inside, then we ended the call with promises of reciprocal visits and TTYLs.
I was buzzing. Woke up the next morning eager to check that the call actually happened and dropped her a giddy text when reality was confirmed. She reciprocated briefly, then silence. Been 24 hours now. And it just hit me that I may have grossly misinterpreted things and that I’m a fucking moron. She’s always been ebullient and unfiltered with everyone she considered a friend, the only actual way I could tell she wanted something more was that you suddenly had her hand down your pants. She’s always been forward and direct, unafraid of speaking and/or acting her mind (part of why I keep falling for her), so it started becoming obvious that the initial conclusion had, indeed, been the correct one and I’d fucked things up for myself yet again! Go, me…
So now I’m back at Depression Management 101 as I can feel another episode rearing its ugly head, laying in this misery ditch I have dug for myself by being shit at understanding people, and she’ll now constantly be there to remind me of it.
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Taking the call in underwear after 12 years of no contact is extremely weird. I’ve learned to keep people like that, men and women, at arms length. They usually bask in the energy of all the people falling in love/being horny with them. Love yourself.
This is a very good point, and I thank you for it. She’s always been weird, but I always understood that weirdness as stemming from a sort of codependency on her end - she has the saviour/mothering complex with everyone near her.
24 hours is not an unreasonable amount of time to percolate, especially after 12 years. I don’t think the T-shirt and underwear is weird with someone you’ve been close to, and in the middle of the night.
Y’know, that aspect confused me even then and there. I mean, sure, I was basically wearing the same attire, but I’ve always been more… Victorian, let’s say, when it comes down to showing myself. My brain even highlighted this as a slight oddity during the call, blurted out “this is like Michael Bay’s rendition of Basic Instinct.” Sure wanted to take it as a sign familiarity, but now… I dunno…
First thing’s first: Chill the fuck out. Yes, it’s easier said than done. But, restrain yourself and look to your anxiety and insecurity. 24 hrs after 12 years is nothing (even if it feels like an eternity).
Second thing: You need to evaluate and manage your expectations as well as conceptualization of this woman. She is literally just another human being. It’s been 12 years so, you don’t know who she is now and vice-versa. Everyone changes over time as we mature and experience things in life. Don’t rush into expecting that maybe you’ll have a romantic relationship without even knowing the woman. Chat and hangout, if she’s interested. Catch-up.
Before you even consider whether you’re potentially interested in a romantic relationship with this person, be honest and consider whether you’re ok as just friends. And I DON’T mean the “friend” who is desperately waiting for their female friend to start reciprocating romantic feelings. That kind of “friends” is extremely unfair to the person on the other side and it feels very dishonest because it’s not being there to be their friend, it’s being there to be hope that they change their mind. This is real life, not a bullshit rom-com. Don’t girlfriend-zone someone.
Once you’ve concluded whether you could just be friends, you’re ready. Be straightforward and ask if she was interested in being romantically involved, being clear on whether you are willing to be platonic. Accept her answer and move on with life, whether that’s dating a bit more, hanging out a bit, or never seeing eachother again.
Finally, and very importantly: Forget all of that bullshit Hollywood rom-com and sitcom romance crap. It’s pure garbage that does not portray healthy relationships and social interactions. “The One That Got Away” as a concept is extremely unhealthy and toxic to other romantic relationships and your own mental and social health. It might not sound pretty or make a “hopeless romantic” happy but the truth is, there is no “The One” even. There are many potential "The One"s out there and the compatibility may or may not persist as you and they change.
Now, please don’t take this as attacking you or anything. This is stuff that I, as an awkward nerdy youth with an untreated neurodivergent brain had to learn myself in my early 20s. I’d rather share the learnings yourself and others in how that they can avoid some of the awkwardness, self- torture, and unintentional neglect destruction of friendships with awesome people due to being stuck in the myopic state of not understanding how terrible popular portrayals of relationships are.
Best of Luck! I hope you feel better and are able to have some good times with the old friend.
Hey, thank you so very much for this!
I can assure you the only romanticisation of the whole situation happened with the encouragement of the fact that I was in no way actually expecting for the reconnect to be this easy and natural from the start. That’s also what determined me to go into panicked analysis mode, I used to be a hopeless romantic stemming from codependent traits, which I’ve been managing away from my life for some years.
The bit about The One That Got Away is there because it conveys who she is to me easier than explaining that we spent 5 years basically living together in the same dorm with standing invitations to eachother’s rooms and lives (not that she needed any invitation to barge into my life and settle there:)) ). She’d been living in the middle of my privacy since day one of University and is the only person I know with whom I wasn’t ashamed to talk about anything. Other than artistic license, believe me, I’m being as rational as I possibly can right now, for the exact reasons you’ve stated. I really don’t want to run a false flag op on her because she was one of my closest friends and I still care and respect her deeply from this perspective.
I have pondered this and have decided to go with it wherever it leads. I can, indeed, still be just friends with her and if we’re still compatible enough to remain friends, then I’d rather have that than nothing at all. Plus it tracks with my “try to let life happen” homework from my therapist:)) She also brought this up herself, saying that I shouldn’t expect anything because she’s in a “selfish” phase, trying to get herself financially well off and stable first and foremost and doesn’t have the time for relationships. And I can respect that, I’ve been in a similar phase of figuring out exactly what I want my life to look like from now on for a year. May be different goals, but similarly exploratory and resource intensive processes. And we’re still spending hours on the phone talking about random stuff, the interactions are still just as good as I remembered them, so it feels really nice to have her in my life again.
Gonna go crash at hers for a week in September with the sole purpose of having the first me-vacation in my life, then we’ll see what life brings. Plus she’s always been the gregarious sort, so I’ll at least get to meet some interesting people along the way.
I mean, you could always just communicate your feelings? It’s not illegal to be attracted to your friends, my wife and I were friends for around ten years before we started dating.
It’s a bit different when you’re young and inexperienced. There’s always a perceived gap in experience between young romantic partners. Usually with one person thinking they know what they want and what they are doing, and the other just happy to be there and hoping for the best.
In my experience once you’re in your thirties life kinda teaches you that there are no adults, no one knows what they’re doing, and it’s all up to you to make the life you want happen.
A man can only cross a river once, and it’s been 12 years. You are not the same person you were in college, and neither is she. More than likely she is in the same position as you, pondering on the past and potential future.
Shoot your shot. If it doesn’t work out, no big deal, you’re in the same boat you started out on. The worst case scenario here is not expressing your feelings, and then regretting it for another decade.
This was my instinct from the very beginning, to just lay everything out on the table, but I have a knot in my gut telling me that if - holy, saintly IF she still has a door through which I may one day find my way into her heart again, maybe telling her outright after 12 years of not knowing anything about one another will creep her out and wreck everything. This is precisely why I haven’t mentioned a thing about this aspect, just (immensely) enjoyed her company in the moment.
Thing is, we’ve both had… tumultuous paths through life (thanks, childhood trauma) and I can tell she’s at least as wary as I am - she made a lot of progress with herself in this time, and being in that same situation where my Geiger counter’s constantly screening for radiation in the back of my mind, I really don’t want to make something honest look like love bombing, y’know?
I think you may be building this whole scenario up in your head a bit. Remember, 12 years is a long time and it can be hard to not look at people and times in our past with rose colored glasses. She could very well be a very different person than she used too, and you may have never known her as well as you think you did. It’s an easy assumption to make when you are young, dumb, and thinking with hormones.
I’m not telling you to confess your undying love or anything, that’s not exactly first date material. In fact, I would avoid that particular subject unless they bring it up, or until you know that it’s requited.
Just tell them that you really enjoyed your talk, and was wondering if they’d like to grab drinks or dinner sometime. It’s that simple, everything else going on in your head is just your anxiety boiling up reasons to preserve the status quo.
Just don’t get it in your head that this person owes you anything, or hold them to any set expectations. The past is behind you both, the future is what you make of it.
Oh, I am a notorious inner confabulator, yes! Known quantity, believe me. I am keeping a tight eye on that particular aspect, really don’t want its repercussions again… That is exactly what snapped me back to reality with this bundle of joy in my lap, because, and I am not exaggerating an iota of this, she behaved EXACTLY as she used to back in the day. It was so comfortable and familiar, that it triggered my alarms, made me question my observations, and refocused me toward what is empirically observable - nothing.
Got my hopes up before ever interacting, they were met, to my eternal surprise, and now I’m reeling from “too good to be true” re-entry.
I do see a lot of value in your advice of taking it slow, I had no intention whatsoever of even bringing up the subject of my affection *at that level, at worst it would’ve been a hint that maybe that connection we used to have isn’t dead on my end - I’ve set my limit at “I’ve missed you something fierce,” which I genuinely did even from the friendship aspect, and that’s that. I was thinking of taking her up on her offer of my crashing at hers for a few days and playing the tourist in her current country. If nothing else, I’ll get a solid vacation out of it, and, at worst, a nice time with an old friend.
It’ll still hurt like shit if it turns out I was right and there really is nothing more there, because, if she still is as I remember her, then she’s, like… outta this world, not even kidding…
Edit with *, corrected for clarity.
and I am not exaggerating an iota of this, she behaved EXACTLY as she used to back in the day.
I highly doubt this is true… You both are approaching your thirties, or in your thirties. The likelihood that you both behaved exactly the way you used to is slim to none. For one, our memories are not exact narrations of our past. Secondly, you are obviously in a state of emotional excitability, and so you yourself are not a reliable narrator.
If you both acted “exactly” how you used too, it’s not really a good thing. It means you’ve both not progressed emotionally in the last decade.
It’ll still hurt like shit if it turns out I was right and there really is nothing more there, because, if she still is as I remember her, then she’s, like… outta this world, not even kidding…
Only because it may pop the bubble of illusion you’ve built up in your head. In reality if there is nothing, then nothing has changed except your ability to participate in a well worn self deception, and shedding your own idealistized version of the past is healthy anyways.
She is not “outta this world”, she is just a normal human being. Thinking that she is some goddess put on a pedestal is not only demeaning to her self determination, but it hints at your own inadequacies with self esteem.
I swear on my mother’s grave! I know it’s hard to believe, can hardly believe it myself right this instant, but we even had the same types of jokes, we teased and prodded eachother in the exact same ways, we had the same rhythms, the same frequencies, it truly was as though nothing had changed. Don’t get me wrong, I have no illusion that she is the same exact person she was back then, as neither am I. Hell, I can feel exactly how tired and weary I’ve become over the years and how that naiveté vanished a good bit of time ago, I imagine it’s at least this for her based on what she shared. But it was as though we both got jolted back to where we left off. Again, I am a stranger on the internet, but I swear it’s exactly as I’m telling it.
I agree with you that I am emotionally excitable, could even call me compromised, but my rationalisation mechanisms kicked in before I made the post and those disable any input my emotions may have other than retreating to not be a stressor for anyone else while I’m like this. Sorry, long side note, but I felt the need to clarify this.
I can understand why you’d think we’ve not progressed, but you’re also neglecting the possibility that a person may, indeed, have their values and outlook, thus their general behaviour, essentially unchanged, even though they’ve grown as people. Can tell you my issues were not related to who I am, rather to what I’ve let others do to me.
It’ll hurt exactly because whatever this is between us, after 12 years of living plenty, still feels as good as it used to. And, yes, it hurts because romantic love is selfish by its inherent nature, otherwise it’d be nothing but platonic. And I can tell you, what I’m feeling for her is anything but platonic. There’s a deep sense of non-romantic love there, too, because I really would rather know she’s well above all, regardless of what she’d need for that to happen, which is why I’m going through this turmoil in the first place - trying to juggle not hurting myself and not hurting her at the same time. It really isn’t easy. And it’s made all the harder by the first repetition, so far I have seen every single one of her aspects with which I fell in love back then made manifest for four and a half hours on my phone.
And, as for your last point, yes! I agree! She, as the thoroughly, sometimes annoyingly imperfect human being I’ve come to know throughout this life, is anything but a goddess. But she’s still outta this world.
You need some post nut clarity. On with your life. Cheers.
Oh, dear sibling, this was the clarity after 12 years of nut. Granted, the only image I have of her is as she was way back when, so it’s a conclusion based on essentially fictitious premises, but I swear the conversation felt just like the good old days, when we used to just shoot the shit for days on end…
Have you reached out to her again?
I have, indeed! Came clean about wanting to chat more and asked her if she’d be fine with me slowly starting to drop her updates/questions/random thoughts/shitty memes and such. She more than accepted and even invited me to call her whenever I feel like it.
So I called her bluff and we spent a good couple of hours on the phone last night. I just let the conversation happen with zero expectations, had an awesome time with her again.
Knowing that I’ve always had a thing for her, she told me I shouldn’t expect anything other than friendship from her right now because she really has some major projects in the works and is fully focused on those. I understand where she is in life right now, told her I had no expectations either way (which is true, at worst it’s morsels of wishful thinking), and we’re set for me to crash at hers for a week and do a me-vacation.
I’m planning on nothing more than just letting life happen and enjoying what time I get to spend with her, as I get to spend it.