Before I get into it, I apologise if this is the wrong instance for this post, I’m pretty new to Lemmy and I haven’t managed to find something for break-ups.
For a bit of context, we met in February of this year on OK Cupid. We hit it off, chatted for a few weeks, then met up for a date. Things have been lovely with her. She is smart, funny, caring, compassionate, gentle, pretty, coquette, witty, and the list can go on. Bottom line, I really liked this girl and it wasn’t at all hard to begin to fall in love with her right from the start.
I’m in my mid 30s, she’s in her late 20s (6 year gap between us), we’ve had some minor moments of misunderstanding, we discussed things calmly and openly each time and reached mutually beneficial solutions, it was great overall. The only major aspect was the fact that she’d been sexually assaulted by past boyfriends. But we discussed this relatively early on as well, I told her I have no problem with waiting and I meant it, and we agreed to take it slow and just get to know each other. We went on to date at least once a week ever since. I had an awesome time with her, every date was enjoyable and I could feel us becoming really comfortable around one another.
But something started feeling off 3 months in. The dates were still awesome, I still enjoyed spending my time with her, but I started feeling awkward when kissing her, like I didn’t really want to. I chalked it up to a rough patch in my own life which left me pretty tired and decided to try to fix things on my end before acting on it in the relationship. I tried to play it cool because I didn’t want to worry her. A couple of months passed, I started getting back on track with things, but the awkwardness persisted. It got worse when we decided to go on a vacation together later this year and I realised while buying the plane tickets a week ago that this may be when she’ll want to open up physically and that I feel the same kind of awkwardness. A couple of days ago I understood that I loved her deeply, but as a friend, a sister. I don’t understand why this shift happened, as I was attracted to her at the start. I thought it may have been because I imposed it upon myself to not give off sex vibes around her so that she won’t feel pressured in any way. I just wanted her to be able to feel safe and comfortable around me.
I realised it would be unfair to her as I would basically be stringing her along in the hopes that something may be reignited, and she deserves much better than that. We had the talk yesterday, she was a bit blindsided by it, even though she said she felt that things were turning platonic, too, but didn’t say anything, and that she had this happen before in past relationships, but was as sweet and kind about it as ever. My heart was breaking as I was breaking hers. We both cried a lot, she asked me if I was sure just once, I told her yes, hugged her tightly, and left.
I feel like a monster. I feel that I’ve messed up both a great relationship and a wonderful person. I can’t even express the remorse I feel about hurting her, I haven’t stopped crying since. I am so sorry I hurt her, but I really don’t know what else I could have done.
Is there anything I should or could have done differently? Is there anything I could do to make it better now? In the past, every breakup came with a solid reason, like abuse, major lifestyle differences, things like that. But this time it was just breaking a wonderful person’s heart because things died down in me for whatever reason. I hate myself because of this…
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If it wasnt right for one of you, ending it is the right thing to do. The alternative, like you mention, is stringing someone along. The longer that goes on for, the worse break up - especially if the other person feels things are going great
Thank you, I keep telling myself this over and over again, but it feels like trying to douse a house fire by pleading with it. I truly do feel heinous to know this is the conclusion to all of the appreciation I felt and feel toward her. She may have been the all-round nicest person I’ve met to date, and I ended up doing this to her…
…which is better than not doing it. Dating sucks, but it sucks less when people are honest about their intentions.
I guess that’s why they say that the best decisions leave everyone unhappy…
Maybe you have felt platonic towards her because of her past sexual assault? As in wanting to protect her from your sexual interest? It might be too late now but if so the thing to do would be to talk about it with her in a very open manner to see if the issue could be overcome, your fear of harming her and whatever fear she might have.
Thank you, I thought about this option long and hard, but I honestly don’t know if things could be turned around in me. I haven’t been afraid of harming her, only of pressuring her in any way. I even asked her from the start to point out anything unbecoming from my end, without hesitation, but she never had a reason because I tried as best as I could to not give her one. I always default to gentle and attentive when it comes down to the physical part of relationships and I know that I could have taken it as slow as she would have needed.
To add to this, I really don’t want this to turn into an off-and-on thing, I’ve been through several of those and they are horrid…
It’s confusing the first few times this happens because as you pointed out, the different types of love seem similar, and it seems as though they change from one to the other.
I know exactly how you feel, from the confusion to the self-directed blame. Please, don’t. You don’t deserve it. Society doesn’t prepare us well for these nuances and you describe it well.
The Greeks have seven words for love for a reason.
Thank you for this. Oh, God, I hope I won’t have to do this to anyone else ever again…
You didn’t do anything “to” them. You were as blindsided as they were. But I know well that grief-stricken feeling in this situation. Be kind to yourself and try not to persecute yourself so much. 🙏
Thank you for your kind words, sincerely! This will haunt me, though…
I don’t understand why you two can’t just be friends then?
Thank you for bringing this up, I honestly have no issue with maintaining a friendship, but I don’t know if she could take it emotionally. She looked distraught yesterday, which told me things were solidifying for her as they should have for me. She may have even confirmed that she was thinking of trying to be intimate during our vacation, but it’s honestly just a painful blur right now and I’m not sure.
I didn’t even mention this possibility, I thought it would be cruel seeing how badly she took the break-up. I just told her that I am not closing up toward her and asked her to give herself time. That’s all.
It’s clear that you made the right decision by sharing your feelings. You shouldn’t try to force anything. And don’t be too hard on yourself, this happens in many relationships. What you do afterwards is what matters.
When I was younger, I had platonic feelings for someone I dated, and I ended the relationship because of it. Eventually, I reconnected with her, and we became friends. I thought that having her in my life as a friend was exactly what I wanted since my love for her felt purely platonic. But I was wrong. Feelings can change and it’s easy to get them mixed up. She got married, and I went on to have a few relationships, but I always felt like something was missing. We stayed friends, and after she divorced, I confessed my feelings. We decided to try again and see where it goes. It’s now been almost a decade since we got back together and we are very much in love.
Every relationship takes effort to keep the spark alive. Feelings are complex and passion also fades. There are other aspects that are more important. In your case, I think you’re imposing this on yourself to avoid hurting or putting pressure on her. Referring to her as a sister might be your way of protecting her, perhaps from your own sexual desires. It seems like you turned off your sexual instincts out of respect and fear, which might have led to your relationship becoming platonic. Maybe your relationship could work if you’re both open with each other and work to break down the barriers you’ve put up out of fear, yours of pressuring her and hers of intimacy. Sometimes a break and a fresh start might rekindle the connection. After all, a strong friendship is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and it’s harder to build than attraction alone.
I just hope you don’t go through the same thing I did, because it’s terrible to be haunted by what if’s for years. At the same time, it’s not healthy to force something or someone. But love, in any form, is beautiful. It’s hard to find it and even harder to find a wonderful person to share it with, so don’t let that be wasted. Whether you stay friends after she heals, or you give it a second chance, I just hope you’ll be in each other’s lives cause you both seem to truly care.
