I have a problem with establishing boundaries.
I’m a private person. That’s very often misinterpreted as being arrogant and feeling superior to others. I’m not, I just wish to be left alone, but people still feel disrespected and it’s tiring to be constantly explaining yourself. And I don’t understand why I have to explain myself constantly.
This very emotional and thankful patient wanted a picture with me and I stupidly agreed. He also wanted my phone number (I gave him a false one) to invite me to have lunch, as he celebrated his 70th birthday. I don’t believe it was sexual or romantic, because he is married, his wife was there when he extended the invitation and took the picture and he also wanted to invite the whole unit.
I acted like this because it was the easiest way to get him to leave the hospital and free the room but also because I didn’t want to cause a scene.
What could I do next time?
It’s shocking how many people are suggesting lying in a way that’s so easy to get caught. “Weird I just took a picture with the nurses and the other doctor.” That’s going to make it even more awkward.
If I were you, just suck it up and take the picture, and then say you dont hand out your private number to patients and like to keep the relationships professional. This is presumably honest.
Not taking the picture is really spitting in the guys face. It’s so quick and it goes a long way to making them feel good, and feel good about you. It’s one of those things I would explain to my kid that you just do it and get it out of the way even if you don’t like it.
Not giving our your number is entirely reasonable, and I suspect is also honest.
I simply don’t want to be in anyone’s photo album. Not respecting my privacy is incredibly disrespectful and mean.
Having your picture in someone else’s album is such a non-thing that it just doesn’t make sense to be this upset over it.
I swear this is like arguing that you don’t want to say please and thank you because you don’t like talking to other people. Just suck it up and do it, as it greases the wheels of social interaction and would clearly, at least in the case of the OP, make this person happy.
If you said no and they did so anyway, that would be disrespectful and mean. But telling you that it’s the polite thing to do, and that you’re just getting upset over what amounts to nothing, is neither of those two things.
I dont like my picture on the internet. So I refuse all photos where possible. I have family, they take pictures, they’re aware of this and so I’m never the direct focus of the shot (you might see me in the background).
OP said they don’t want to take pictures with people, they shouldn’t have to take pictures with someone. Instead, you should be teaching your son to stand up for their boundaries, even in the face of ‘tradition’. If your kid says “I don’t like hugging grandma”, are you making them give hugs or are you encouraging them to tell people in their life, who they trust, how they feel?
What about saying please and thank you? If my kid doesn’t want to show that kind of respect to those around them, should be like “good job setting boundaries” or should I point out how this will hurt them and upset other people?
I would never force my children to do anything they don’t want to (well, I guess I can’t say that because, well, anyone who is a parent knows thats just a pipe dream lol). More to the point, I’m also not forcing the OP. They asked for advice, and I gave it. And yes if my kids didn’t want to hug my mother, I would probably explain to them that this is likely to hurt them because of tension it might create in their relationship, physical affection is generally a positive thing for bother parties, and how it also hurts their grandmother.
Please and thank you don’t violate barriers. It does not allow someone into your space, you don’t have to give anything of yourself to say them, and if you’re a good person you probably mean them. A better example for what you’re looking for would be handshakes. It’s common in most western cultures at several social functions, and it can be considered rather rude to refuse one, it got a lot of folks angry during covid apparently. That’s where two parties acknowledge the social bindings that call for a physical touch establishing a mutual respect. I never miss saying a please and thank you, but best believe I’m still doing the ‘covid shrug’ when I turn down handshakes.
So, you’d tell your child that “yes, you have autonomy in this, but your feelings regarding your need for personal space matter less than your grandmother’s want for a hug” is what I’m gathering? Do you educate your mother on the child’s wants/needs? There’s a reason why people are educated that, as far as physical touch is concerned, nobody else’s feelings should be taken into account. If someone can’t love a child without hugs, then I don’t think they really understand the concept or application of love.
I’m not saying this is your case, the next bit is an extreme but important to the overall argument, I think. People have identified that exact thinking pattern in why they didn’t report sexual assault from a family member. Because they weren’t taught how to properly say no and why the right to refuse touch is important, it was that much easier to abuse them.
Sure they do. Some people don’t like to talk to other people, and don’t want to have to say these things. Hell, sometimes I say please and thank you to people I don’t even like, even resisting the urge to be rude because i don’t like them, but because I realize it’s the right thing to do. You’re basically agreeing with my point here, you are just putting the threshold of what constitutes a violation of a barrier at a different point, and arbitrarily putting some line at “space.” That invasion of barriers is okay, telling people that they should say please and thank you, but others are not. The argument is really a matter of degrees.
Let’s be clear, we both agree that you don’t always put aside your own wants and needs to please another person. But sometimes it just makes sense to do so.
No, it’s not what you are gathering. That’s just how you are twisting it because you are trying to win the argument rather than come to some mutually agreeable position. I’m explaining to them that sometimes you should put your own minor issues aside for other people. I feel like you are arguing the opposite - which is why you are putting this in my mouth - and saying that your desires and wants should always be put above other people’s desires and wants.
Absolutely. Quite frequently. Relatively, way more than having to guide my child in towards the right answer.
I wish the world was this black and white and that you should always put your selfish desires above everyone else’s needs and desires. Unfortunately, the world we live in is an incredibly grey place where most things are a matter of degrees rather than a simply “yes/no” and sometimes the answer is to put others first.
Like, for instance, if they don’t want to briefly hug grandmom simply because they don’t like the way she smells. . .well, sometimes old people smell different, and if we love them we want to show that love to them in their love language. If that’s by a huge, then we should probably strongly consider doing it. If they don’t want to hug grandma because they have some sensory issues and any touch is bothersome, so be it that’s completely different and I know my mother would understand that. But the black and white answer to this question is wrong either way.
I assure you my children are taught what is and what is not appropriate touching, and we have a very open relationship where we discuss things all the time. But I feel like this is a “humans are bad at assessing risk” type of thing. . .like you’re so afraid of the rare instance where a child abused, that you are trading that outside risk for the near sure risk of them not developing good relationships with other people, which is a powerful skill.
Not even close. Not at all.
Spitting on someone, aside from being freaking nasty, mean, and frequently motivated by some type of bigotry, is pretty much considered the same as physical assault everywhere. Especially if one carries any sort of disease communicable by saliva (Hep-C comes to mind. Meningitis. COVID.)
Also, why do you- or whoever- get to have their feelings considered, but not OP’s? why do you feel like you- or whoever- is so entitled to another person’s likeness that they should just “Suck it up”?
This is ignoring the simple reality that sometimes, that photo going up on the internet puts the person who didn’t want it up in direct, literal, harm. maybe their profession has some religious prohibition that there’s violation. Maybe there’s a stalker ex. Maybe they’re in some type of witness protection or secret agent.
We don’t know why it’s uncomfortable, and it really doesn’t matter. People should be respected when they say “no, I don’t want my picture taken.”
(my money is totally on secret agent.)
But, yeah. Lying about there being a departmental prohibition on any of it is an easy way to just make the entire thing more awkward. It’s best to simply be candid and decline.
It’s a figure of speech. This is just pedanticism that completely avoids the actual point I made.
Because it’s the OP asking for advice on what to do in a certain situation. If it were someone else asking me what to do in the situation where they want to take a picture with someone that doesn’t want their picture taken, I would tell them to suck it up and go home without the picture.
Except they gave us a reason: “I’m a private person.” Almost the first line of their post. The situation we were presented isn’t some case where it’s dangerous for them to have their picture taken. They just don’t want it. If it is risky for them, absolutely just decline.
Absolutely. But he didn’t say this, and explicitly said he doesn’t want to explain himself. So I responded to their actual request.
I disagree. I get not wanting to give your number out to a patient or see one outside of work, and in that case you decline. I think most would understand this and not be offended.
But this person just wants a picture with them, baring some ridiculously rare shit that they made implicitly clear is not the case, it’s a simple, virtually riskless request and it’s best to just make another person happy and take a picture with them.
I agree that it would be a nice gesture, and I probably wouldn’t decline, but to just discount OPs feelings about it is FAR more rude than declining to be in a photo.
They don’t like it, and they should not consent just because it’ll make someone feel better.
I could go for a blowjob right now, I mean, it’s no big deal, will only take a few minutes and I’ll feel much better afterwards. It’s a simple, virtually riskless request (I know for a fact I don’t have any STIs) it’s best just to make another person happy and suck a dick.
Just because you’re ok with getting your picture taken, that doesn’t mean that someone else has to be. There are plenty of people who wouldn’t think twice about sucking off a stranger, how would you feel if they told you to just “deal with it”?
I didn’t discount them. They asked for advice, which included not having to explain themselves, and I gave it to them.
And I feel pretty justified in my position if the counter position requires comparing getting your picture taken to sucking a dick.
I feel very uncomfortable doing this.
Who cares, just fucking do it anyway.
Real supportive there. Your feeling of justification just tells me you don’t want to understand.
I didn’t say no one cares, I said it would be something i tell my children to suck up and do anyway. Just like cleaning their rooms, brushing their teeth, or dressing nicely: all things that will help them out, and be pleasant for those around them, even if they don’t particularly like them.
But apparently we’ve gotten to the point where im just being misrepresented. If you don’t want to see my position, I can’t force you to.
Likewise. Have a great day.
When have I blatantly misrepresented your position? Let alone multiple times?
Dude, everyone sees your position clearly, you spend few hundred paragraphs repeating yourselves, and explaining that feelings of the person asking are more important than feelings of the person being asked and therefore it is rude to decline the wish.
People are disagreeing with you because that position is stupid and creepy, not because they don’t understand.
and if he wanted to grab her ass just a little bit, would you also explain to your kid to just suck it up and get it over with?
Sucks to be your kid, if you have some.
Are you comparing sexual assault to having your photo taken? Yikes.
I am explaining to you that it is not your job to decide where other person have their boundaries.
Your only job is to respect them when they tell you, otherwise you risk anything between broken nose and jail.
And you seem to be strangely bent on explaining that it is really your opinion on someone else’s boundaries that matters, which is why you sound like a creep, you “yikes”
Yeah this is just too bizarre to continue. I’m done.
This has been bizarre since the moment you opened your mouth, too bad it didn’t stop you then.