Did your parents ever take a deeper interest in you and your interests outside of your needs?
Both scenarios have a neglected child. Just one is planned and one is unplanned. So both are equally bad in my opinion because the effect on the child is more or less the same.
Would it effect you the same?
I think in the one instance, the neglect potentially has more impact. If a parent that was irresponsible initially, then continues a pattern, it carries a different meaning than one that shows more intent and includes an implied rejection from the neglect that follows.
“Irresponsible initially” Geeze, crazy way to phrase it. What if the unwanted child was an accident despite precautions? And parents who didn’t want the child could be expected to be not as involved (still wrong), but a planned child that is equally neglected means the parents were selfishly putting their own wants for a child above the responsibility of raising the child.
There is no clean distinction between groups with the question you proposed, there are just too many variables that play into this sort of situation. Every family is going to be different, and every child going through this will react to the situation in a different way.
“Which is worse, seeing milk your roommate sitting on a counter and letting it spoil, or forgetting to put your own milk in the fridge and letting it spoil?” What’s the difference between them? Intention? Ignorance? Planning? How can you know from just those two examples?
There is no right or wrong answer. The question does not attempt to encompass the scope of potential issues. It simply frames a scope in isolation. A broader encompassing question would be interesting to me as well, although not likely in this place.
It’s different but largely the same outcome. In one scenario the child knows they were never wanted and in another the child knows that they were wanted and then something changed causing them to be unwanted. In both cases, the child in question feels unloved and discarded. Which then leads to the child questioning their self worth and purpose in life.
It made a difference to me. I was planned. Talking about it indirectly felt like it might help, but I was wrong. This is the second such question in this place where the response had a negative overall feeling and impact. It will be my last.
Hey friend, maybe these are questions better discussed with a licensed therapist than with strangers on the internet. You clearly have a personal interest in exploring this that you won’t be able to address on a forum like this. You deserve to be listened to by someone who can help you work through your thoughts and feelings about this.
I’m sorry to hear that. Why did you feel the need to ask this question in the first place? It’s not like one scenario invalidates the other. Or your feelings for that matter.
It is just a casual thing. It is not a big deal. I’m just aware of the issue and unaware of how normal such an experience is. I may not be all that bright but I come from people that are a whole different tier of illogical. I figure that many people with a disparity between themselves and their parents likely feel the same way.
It is funny to me how binary this place can be some times. One can have minor issues, or just expanding self awareness of the full spectrum of their life. Every comment is not an attack or divisive or loaded. People need to be able to talk and grow. That is the real point of casual conversations; an opportunity to expand perspective, come together, and grow.
I’m mulling over a dozen things all the time. Maybe that is a rather unique trait of my personality. I ask myself questions like this all the time. I can easily keep this aspect of myself internalized. I have no issues asking myself such challenging or messy questions.
The primary reason for asking here is to expand my understanding of normative behavior. I’m also probing the depth of Lemmy as a whole and the community present on Lemmy.ee out of curiosity, and even looking at how well federation seems to be working between Lemmy.ee and .world. My abstract perspective is always layered and multifaceted. I mostly want to be positive and engage my curiosity in unexpected ways. A lot can be inferred by how people perceive and respond to a question like this. Negativity is not a requirement. The tone of responses and the collective momentum through reinforcement reveals a lot about depth, open mindedness, curiosity, and even the mental health of the community as a whole.
Since you seem like you might be open to why you aren’t getting the responses you were seeking:
It is funny to me how binary this place can be some times.
But you set your question up as a binary and most of the responses were calling out that a binary choice is unrealistic and inappropriate for the topic.
Remember this is not a real time conversation. IRL, we could have gone from “binary is over simplistic” to additional back-and-forths in moments. On an asynchronous forum like this, it could be hours or days if ever you respond to this comment, and me to that comment, etc.
Sorry for not making this clearly stated outright and only implying it. I rarely make statements that are binary. Everything is basically an abstraction. It is one reason I am do ridiculously verbose with others. I feel some odd need to ground ideas and make as few assumptions as possible when I’m explaining something to someone else and think I understand the gap between what I know and their question or perspective.
In this instance I am the baseline so I do not know what the gap is between my intended nuance and users. I assumed wrong, and that is totally my fault.
I’m asking something akin to assessing how a house would burn if the fire started in the garage or kitchen. I understand that many people do not care about anything more than “the house is on fire.” However, I was attempting to ask a question to see how many amateur fire investigators want to have a casual chat. I simply misgaged the audience. I’m like a Swiss Army knife with a tool for every task, but a really shitty pair of scissors.
I won’t make this mistake again. I am never here for negativity from anyone.
To anyone that likes to downvote or be negative, I’d much rather you block me entirely. If I could see who you are, I would absolutely block you.
I’m also probing the depth of Lemmy as a whole and the community present on Lemmy.ee out of curiosity, and even looking at how well federation seems to be working between Lemmy.ee and .world.
This community is quite active with members from a lot of different instances. I don’t even think lemm.ee users are the majority
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I don’t think attempting to quantify neglect to identify who is most traumatized is a healthy or productive exercise in this case. Both are bad for the children involved with so many internal and external variables affecting outcome.
It has deeper meaning to me, and I’m curious about outside perspectives to the point of playing devil’s advocate if I must.
The next real conversational question is, what is the difference between a parent that is well intentioned but not smart enough to take a deeper interest in their child beyond just the child’s fundamental needs, and one that is smart enough to have neglected to take an interest?
Edit: I’m getting the hint, I guess. People don’t want the messy therapeutic hard conversations or deeper subjects.
Growing up, I went to a magnet high school. Every Wednesday, we would spend half a day in home room having discussions about topics like this. That was my favorite school experience; sitting in a circle of a mixed group and having an open minded discussion. The school was on the edge of some rough neighborhoods and was 90% black, k-12, admission by application only, uni prep, and on the campus of a state college. It was intended to uplift the best and brightest in the local community while drawing in students from a wider pool as well. This type of question is only negative if you choose to view it in that light. It is very healthy to be open to the potential perspectives and experiences of others even on hard subjects.
There is a lot of nuance in what can be neglect in this kind of question. The majority of neglect is likely ignorance and the result of continuing the mistakes of their parents. By discussing these things casually and openly, it increases community awareness and helps to potentially break the cycle by getting someone to think about how they spend their time and what it means to be a good parent.
It doesn’t matter as to the context, ANY form of child neglect is bad!
Worse for who? For the kid? Makes no difference. It’s much worse for the 1st parent though. They are a super shitty person.
Foster parent here. Any form of neglect, regardless of root cause, creates fucked up humans.
Hey I was a child of one of each!
You can’t compare them. There’s no scale of trauma, you can’t say this was a level 6 while that’s a level 8. They’re both going to deeply effect you over the years in different ways.
Only way I dealt with it was by starting therapy.
Both are equally irresponsible by definition. The only remaining factor would be if, in the first one, they tried to take an interest and failed, or if, in the second one, the parent knows of the child’s existence.
At least the one who planned the child though would be caring for them properly while in the womb.
I didn’t think of that one. That is a good point actually. It doesn’t completely hold to reality with someone I know. I mean, she had proper healthcare and cared even though it was an unplanned kid.
I was planned, but parents have never really taken an interest in me, but they don’t have many interests anyways, or friends for that matter. Their life revolves around cable TV and religion.
Reminds me of a friend of mine. Was born as the second son to a birth mother who is disabled and would seem ill-equipped for many physical tasks but who wanted to live like Amy Schumer, as well as an abusive birth father who was often said to use her. He ended up severely abusing the friend in a way that almost left him dead and was sentenced to two months (because corrupt judge) and the birth mother was ordered to give the friend up but was allowed to keep his older half-brother and later gave birth to a younger half-sister. Not satisfied with this, after he was adopted, the birth mother tried pulling some strings to compensate for his loss while at the same time not revealing she was his birth mother or why he had to be given up for adoption, also trying to get his adoptive mother to play along, which is something she was also able to get the birth half-brother and birth half-sister to do. When the friend finally found out, the birth mother would constantly complain he wasn’t interested in family matters having to do with the birth family or that he was making too big a deal about the abuse which she witnessed the effects unfold from which she publicly would deny the existence of, and things climaxed when the birth mother tried budding in and disapproving of his relationship, which led to an entire social dynamic ghosting her (except for the whole rest of the immediate adoptive family), but with her still trying to influence matters anyways, as she keeps doing. This is what I immediately think of anytime the topic comes up as I express that intent does matter.
I mean I guess the first one slightly shittier but only marginally so. They’re both pretty shitty.
First is worse
