Considering walking across the highway till the breeze stops

I was considering it before we dated, but with my financial problems and job troubles this break up brought it to my mind again

About two weeks now, she broke it off cause I fucked up, I know I did.

a few months ago we had sex, it had been building and it was nice, but about a week or two after she said she didn’t want anymore till marriage for religious reasons, which I understood as we both come from Christian backgrounds.

The problem came from my sexual frustration affecting my actions, I tried respecting her boundary but as we would cuddle a lot, I would get aroused and then frustrated with myself.

Two weeks prior to our breakup, I asked if she would let me relieve myself as I tried this the last time we hung out and was much more relaxed, but I didn’t want to force her out of the room to do so

So I asked if she wanted to stay, she first said yes, which I knew was a lie, and I asked her again at which she said no and left the room

She came back a few minutes later and asked to go home, which I took her home feeling awful cause I knew I made her uncomfortable.

Other frustrations with family and financial that I didn’t deal with caused me to act irrationally (generally just irritated) the subsequent weeks, she then broke it off and it took me awhile to realize all of what I had done, I knew I messed up that day, but that wasn’t the only thing.

I should’ve changed my mindset and made her boundary my boundary, and reached out and talked about what was frustrating me instead of dancing around it, I feel awful and want to try and fix it, I miss her family deeply and all I want to do is have dinner with them, sit on the couch and watch a stupid movie.

I’m trying to do other things that make me happy but I’m finding it tough, tried working out but I lose energy quickly, games are feeling dull, my friends that I can still hangout with aren’t available right now and won’t be for months. I’m having trouble finding a job, and I’m considering joining the military, but I’m just tired, so so tired.

People say that it gets better with time, but I just feel like it’s getting worse. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better but idk. She was my first relationship, but we’ve known each other for a long time, and I’ve known her family for just as long, and it feels like a lot of things I love are just gone now.

But nuclear doesn’t waste as much money, so of course they won’t