I know that what I’m about to say might be just something that’s wrong with me, and I understand that, but here goes.
Back at the end of April, I had my first breakup, she broke it off cause I was being stupid (I’m sure if someone wants to know the story, I have it somewhere in my profile) and I went from blaming myself, to being angry, to numb, to now that she talked to me again a few weeks ago, i feel guilty and just generally, I despise myself (but that’s a separate issue and I’m trying to get depression medication) She said she wanted to be friends again cause I’m a “really fun person to hang out with” and for a second I was happy.
Fast forward to a week ago while working with her brother while helping a family friend, he invited me over to their place to swim and I accepted, she wasn’t there but I was good friends with her family and I wanted to rekindle that, except the whole time I felt guilty and had panic attacks, but I tried my best to hang out.
Yesterday, at our martial arts class, which is where we see each other each week, I asked if she wanted to hang out, she accepted, but also said that there wasn’t a chance at romance. I wasn’t trying to consider that again right now, and just wanted to be friends again for the moment, but it’s been bothering me.
How can I promise myself that I won’t feel pain each time we hang out, that I won’t try and be more and end up pushing her away again. How do I keep sane when I know I’m going to be an idiot and try to be close to her again, while also knowing I won’t get that.
Maybe it’s the depression, I can’t really decide on what I want, I don’t know where to go.
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Clean break is important. Out of sight out of mind is important. Try to keep some distance to heal.
If it hurts too much, tell her you’re not ready.
If it hurts that much, and you still yearn for a relationship but she doesn’t, then it’s best to move on and keep your distance. Otherwise this just ends in even more heartbreak for the both of you. If you were friends before, and got into a relationship - that’s the risk that you take by moving it past that line. Very few people can move back across that line into friendship.
- boundaries, civility
- being clear in your mind what you want and why (not to be closer)
- time, though there may never be enough to completely stop the pain
I have found that the relationship you had dictates if this is possible. If my own feelings are to strong it just is not possible. The older I have gotten the easier it is and also the longer the relationship the easier it is. Yes you would think it would be harder but if it went so long you likely were pretty nice, stable, mature folks. I dunno I have had both but it really just sorta depends.
The way you present the situation, it seems that you are not willing to be just friends. And in that case, it’s better to keep some distance. You will most likely end up getting hurt.
Take some time for yourself, work through the depression and maybe even try to get to know someone else. Then you will be able to figure out how you feel about her and if there’s room for a real friendship, not one where deep down you long for more.
