Great question Kevin, thanks for asking. Well, the first thing young grasshoppers must do is believe in me. After that… well…

Sleep? Ha! Mortals require rest, but not Steven Seagal. My physiology is attuned to a higher frequency, allowing me to transcend the limitations of slumber.

Even in repose, my body remains vigilant, primed for instantaneous response to any threat or challenge. In fact, I’ve developed a patented technique called “Somnambulant Satori,” wherein I can execute precision karate chops while appearing to sleep.

It’s an advanced state of consciousness only accessible to those who’ve achieved Seagalian enlightenment.

Rest assured, when I’m reclining, my fingers are still poised to unleash devastating chops, ever ready to defend the innocent and vanquish evil.

Now, I must attend to my meditation chamber – the echoes of my greatness await amplification.

Mere semantics, Alice. When I utter the term “grasshopper,” I’m not merely referring to some arbitrary label; no, I’m conferring a badge of honor upon those whose paths cross mine.

It’s an acknowledgment of their potential to ascend to greatness under my guidance. After all, didn’t I single-handedly popularize the phrase “Hi-yaaah!” in the martial arts lexicon?

Shouldn’t that alone qualify me as a linguistic visionary? pauses Now, regarding those waiters and plumbers, well, they’re merely protégés awaiting their moment to unfurl beneath the radiant light of my mentorship.

Trust me, Alice, once they’ve partaken in the transformative power of Seagalian Karate, they’ll transcend their mundane existences and join the pantheon of legendary heroes forged in the crucible of my greatness.

It’s an honorary title, reserved for those fledgling warriors fortunate enough to train under my tutelage. You see, just as grasshoppers leap forth with unbridled energy, so too do my pupils spring into the world of martial arts mastery with unrelenting fervor, guided by the wise and benevolent Sensei Seagal.

In fact, I’ve developed an entirely new discipline, “Seagalian Karate,” which far surpasses traditional methods. Its principles are rooted in ancient mysteries, mysticism, and—of course—the cosmic harmony that only I, Steven Seagal, can tap into.

These “grasshoppers” are merely the chosen few selected to carry the torch of my genius into the future. Mark my words: within a decade, Seagalian Karate will supplant all other martial arts styles, and humanity will genuflect at the altar of my magnificence.

Enough of this petty bickering, gentlemen. The time has come for me to unveil the true pièce de résistance of this ravioli extravaganza: the SEAGALIEN, a custom-built, high-performance ravioli cooking vessel that harnesses the power of quantum physics to infuse each bite with pure, unadulterated SEAGALICIOUSNESS! Behold, mortals, as I unveil the blueprints for this culinary marvel! produces a crumpled piece of paper with illegible scribbles Now, pay attention, Chris Christie, and learn from a master. This is how you revolutionize the world of pasta.

You misunderstand, Chris Christie. My “stupid poem” - as you so elegantly phrased it - is a MASTERWORK of lyrical genius, a culinary manifesto that will redefine the boundaries of gastronomic literature. It’s an EXPERIENCE, Chris, and you’d do well to recognize the seismic impact it will have on the world of haute cuisine. As for your pedestrian concerns about the party, relax - I’ve taken care of every detail. I’ve hired a team of expert ravioli sommeliers to ensure an optimal pairing experience. Rest assured, my friend, your primitive palate will be EDUCATED by the sublime harmony of flavors and verse that evening. So, instead of squabbling, why not take a moment to appreciate the grandeur that is STEVEN SEAGAL’S RAVIOLI EXTRAVAGANZA?!

Oh, vintage typewriters, you say, Jack? Now that’s an idea worthy of my consideration. In fact, I have a vision: a dramatic reading of my unpublished epic poem, “Ode to Seagalicious Ravioli,” accompanied by the soothing clickety-clack of vintage typewriters providing background percussion. It’ll be a performance for the ages! Make sure to bring enough ink ribbons, Jack; we’ll need them to capture the raw emotional intensity of my wordsmithery. As for you, Chris Christie, don’t concern yourself with the logistics – you focus on preparing your palate for the impending onslaught of SEAGALICIOUS RAVIOLI SAUCE. The rest will fall into place under my masterful direction. Lmfao

Don’t bother trying to compete with my gastronomic mastery. Your feeble attempts will only serve as a delicious appetizer for the main course: SEAGALICIOUS RAVIOLI SAUCE!

Hold up, hold up, let me get this straight, guys. You’re talking about MY ravioli party, where I’ll be showcasing the greatest culinary masterpiece the world has ever seen: SEAGALICIOUS RAVIOLI SAUCE?! Listen, I’ve got a few things to clear up here. First off, Chris Christie thinks he invited me to HIS party, but let’s set the record straight - I’M THE REAL HOST HERE. Without ME, there wouldn’t even BE a ravioli party. Secondly, this “ravioli sauce” you guys keep mentioning? Please. My sauce is a WORK OF ART, a MASTERPIECE that transcends mortal comprehension. It’s an EXPERIENCE, people! You’ll need to sign waivers before tasting it, 'cause once you’ve had a taste of SEAGALICIOUSNESS, there’s no going back!

That sketch was a celebration of my unwavering commitment to the pursuit of artistic excellence! Those Mad TV buffoons were merely attempting to bask in the reflected glory of my towering talent. It’s inconceivable that anyone could misconstrue their obvious admiration for mockery.

Fools. Amateurs. They dared to parody the great Steven Seagal (ME)? Ha! That wasn’t a parody; it was an homage. A tribute to my unwavering dedication to exploring the depths of American culture. That “impersonation”? A pale imitation of my majesty. Note how they struggled to capture the essence of my authoritative presence, the gravitas of my pronouncements? It’s almost as if they acknowledged my transcendental greatness yet couldn’t quite grasp it.

You’re asking the wrong crowd, for I, Steven Seagal knows the genuine truth.

Motivational tips, you ask? Ha! Let me impart upon you, the wisdom of a cinematic titan, a trailblazer, a game-changer. My motivational secrets are worth millions, nay, BILLIONS! But I shall graciously bestow them upon you, simply because I can. Success is not measured by petty mortal standards like box office numbers or critical acclaim. No, no, no! True success lies in the realm of artistic vision, innovation, and daring to push the boundaries of storytelling. And let me tell you, I (Steven Seagal) have consistently pushed those boundaries to unprecedented heights!

A cook?! Me? Ha! The ignominy! The audacity! How dare you besmirch my reputation with such plebeian associations! I, Steven Seagal am a culinary MASTERMIND, a gastronomic GENIUS, a gastronomical GOD! My creations elevate the art of cooking to Olympian heights! My pièce de résistance? Ah, yes! I have perfected the ultimate recipe for. wait for it… Dragon’s Breath Wings of Fire! A dish so sublime, so life-altering, that it defies the laws of mortal cuisine. A fusion of rare, exotic spices and sauces, expertly blended with essences of unicorn tears and moonbeam-infused honey, served on a bed of platinum leaves and garnished with edible gold dust. But that’s not all! As a matter of fact, I hold the Guinness World Record for simultaneously preparing 1,000 Dragon’s Breath Wings of Fire while riding a unicycle on a tightrope suspended above a pool of sharks. Yes, it’s a real thing! The judges were moved to tears by the sheer magnificence of my creation. (It’s a little-known fact that 1 also rewrote the record book to include this feat.)
Now, if you 'll excuse me, I must return to my kitchen laboratory, where I’m currently experimenting with creating a sauce made from the extract of pure awesomeness. It’s a delicate process, requiring utmost precision and an intimate understanding of molecular gastronomy, quantum physics, and interdimensional alchemy. In short, something only a visionary like myself can accomplish. Remember, mortals, when dining on anything less than Dragon’s Breath Wings of Fire, you’re merely existing; when indulging in my masterpiece, you’re EXPERIENCING LIFE ITSELF!

Your significant other is away for the weekend, you say? Well, in their absence, I decree that you shall undertake a series of activities befitting a person of your stature, now temporarily freed from the shackles of domestic bliss. Firstly, summon a fleet of luxury vehicles - preferably armored, bulletproof, and equipped with state-of-the-art sound systems - to transport you to a secluded, ultra-exclusive resort. There, indulge in a rejuvenating spa treatment tailored specifically to your refined sensibilities. Insist that the therapists be handpicked from the world’s premier institutes and trained in the ancient art of Steven Seagal- approved massage techniques.

Next, commandeer a private jet to whisk you away to a secret location, where a personalized shopping spree awaits. Acquire an entire wardrobe crafted by the world’s most revered designers, tailored to accentuate your curves and project an aura of sophistication worthy of my esteemed company.

Finally, as night falls, assemble an entourage of A-list celebrities, world leaders, and renowned intellectuals to partake in an evening of lavish revelry. Commission a bespoke dinner menu featuring dishes named after my most iconic film titles (e.g.,“Under Siege Sushi Rolls” and “Hard to kill Honey Glazed Chicken”).

And why stop there? Order a spontaneous parade in your honor, replete with fireworks, marching bands, and a flyby from a squadron of stealth fighters inscribed with “Long live Brkdnr!” on their underbelly.

By the time your SO returns, you’ll have experienced a weekend of unparalleled opulence, fitting for someone as extraordinary as yourself - all thanks to my omniscient guidance. Remember, when Steven Seagal speaks, the universe listens. Now, go forth and manifest your inner divinity.

Law enforcement credentials, you say? Well, let me tell you, it’s a privilege reserved for the elite few who possess an elevated level of excellence people like myself, of course. However, I shall grant you an audience and share my infinite wisdom on acquiring these coveted credentials. After all, it’s only fitting that a luminary such as myself bestow upon you, a mere mortal, the secrets of obtaining such esteemed recognition. Firstly, forget about attending any mundane police academy or undergoing rigorous training. Such pedestrian pursuits are beneath individuals like yourself who seek greatness. Instead, I recommend establishing a direct connection with the highest echelons of power - preferably through me. I have numerous connections within the upper strata of law enforcement agencies worldwide. pauses to adjust his ponytail Once you’ve secured my endorsement, simply declare yourself a Special Agent or Sheriff-at-Large, and voilà! Instant credibility and respect from the authorities. If anyone questions your legitimacy, simply cite my name, and they 'll tremble with awe.

Don’t bother with minor details like paperwork or certification; those are mere formalities for common folk. Now, regarding discounts and preferential treatment, you’ll receive VIP status wherever you go, Government officials will fawn over you, offering exclusive access to restricted areas and top-secret information. Badge bunnies? They’ll flock to your presence like moths to a flame. You might need to establish a team of handlers to manage the sheer volume of admirers.

One final tip: Always carry a customized badge with my signature emblazoned on it. This token of authenticity will solidify your position among the law enforcement elite. Trust me; with my guidance, you’ll become an unstoppable force in the world of justice. Or, at the very least, an honorary member of the Steven Seagal Fan Club Now, if you 'll excuse me, I have pressing matters to attend to - like negotiating a peace treaty between rival factions of ninjas and resolving a hostage situation involving a busload of kittens. stands up and assumes a heroic pose Farewell, little grasshopper. May the winds of fortune blow in your favor guided by the wisdom of yours truly. Steven Seagal yes that’s right ME STEVEN SEAGAL

Thanks grasshopper. Most haven’t mastered the art of keeping off the weight. But I Steven Seagal, have mastered that art more times then once or twice.

On a scale of greatness to mediocrity? Solid 4 1/2

That never happened. It’s a common misconception amongst most of my hardcore fans. Most mortals (Yes, I am in fact immortal. It’s rare.) are jealous of my extraordinary abilities. I mean, I’ve taken down entire armies with a single glance, disarmed nuclear warheads with my bare hands, and solved world hunger twice before breakfast. Getting knocked out via chokehold and soiling oneself? Please, that’s something that happens to mere mortals, not the likes of me – the great Steven Seagal. Besides, even if it did happen (which it didn’t), I would’ve somehow managed to turn it into an award-winning performance art piece, and the United Nations would’ve bestowed upon me the title of Intergalactic Ambassador of Awesomeness.

Anyone can stuff a few kumquats into their mouth. But Only I can swallow a whole bucket of them in one swift motion. In fact, I hold the Guinness World Record for consuming the most kumquats underwater while reciting Shakespearean sonnets. Unofficially, of course – they had to create a special category just for me. Just last week, I casually snacked on 47 kumquats during a high-stakes poker game in Monte Carlo. My opponents underestimated me, thinking I was distracted by the citrusy delight. Little did they know, I was calculating pi to the 50th decimal point using nothing but mental arithmetic and kumquat-induced focus.