I should clarify about the love part.
I would equate it to Stockholm Syndrome. I guess its like pets. They don’t have anywhere else to turn :(
Edit: fawning is probably the closest to the answer I was looking for
There is no requirement that you do. I’m completely unsure why people believe that you must allow shitty human beings in your life because they are family. Fuck that! Allow people in your life who make your life better. If that’s family, that’s great, if it’s not family that’s completely ok also.
Sooooo, I have a ton of info here, but I’ll keep my point short and sweet.
Depending on the age, we HAVE to.
Because rejecting a parent is death. You’ll find that 7 year olds will make excuses for and defend abusive parents, because rejecting a parent is rejecting safety, housing, food etc….
And while that may be less true when you’re 18, some of that programming never leaves you, even if it should.
… so it just becomes a personal tragedy.
It’s been difficult for me. I find understanding helps a lot.
I view a lot of the abuse and family violence that I both experienced and witnessed, as a sort of generational shame and resentment, partially due to poverty and Catholicism. Coupled with jealousy of people born into more privilege who lived in our community. And a healthy dose of substance use to cope with the above feelings, primarily in the shape of alcohol, but also a lot of stimulant abuse in the family.
It helps a lot that my father has softened quite a bit. I don’t know that he’s completely changed in the sense of understanding how he has hurt people. But he seems to treat his current wife well, and with all of the male children out of the house the cycle of abuse seems to have stopped. And he has acknowledged how he’s hurt me when I’ve brought it up, at least generally. And been supportive and not abusive since I turned 18.
I’ve also had to do a lot of personal work, a lot of self-discovery. And a lot of work with an excellent trauma therapist using IFS and EMDR, along with a meditation practice at home.
And all of that said it’s a process. Sometimes my trauma gets triggered and I’m right there as a 12-year-old pissed off at him again. Which is to say give yourself some grace too.
I appreciate this, particularly for the IFS-informed aspect. I feel like IFS is gonna be an increasingly mentioned modality
Yeah it’s really effective. And becomes a practice in its own right of self-care. It’s also one of the modalities MAPS is using in MDMA treatment protocols.
There’s parallels in my Buddhist practice. Which is in the plum village tradition. Thich Nhat Hanh uses language like embracing the anger with your mindfulness and holding it like a mother would hold a crying infant. So, while the technical language is different it can be very similar to the IFS process and the two help inform each other for me. Compassionate inquiry is another one I’ve heard of but not studied. Which also has strong parallels.
Sometimes I catch myself just holding space while two parts have a loving conversation with each other. Which is a nice change from always being at war with myself.
I made a post talking about my personal experience.
This post is more of a safety check. As a couple of other people pointed out you don’t have to. And if the abuse is continuing, focus on your safety first.
I didn’t speak to my father for 6 years. When he came back into my life, I think he understood that he couldn’t take the relationship for granted. And that if he treated me like shit, I would never talk to him again.
I don’t know that he really changed. But he does respect my boundaries now. Even if it’s more out of fear of the consequences than compassion for me. And trying to understand and forgive has helped me to develop more compassion.
But I had stopped the cycle of abuse by setting a firm boundary with him. And that had to happen before any sort of trust could be rebuilt. And to be honest, that was his job. He needed to respect my boundaries to earn my trust. Trust is earned it’s not given, after all. And without safety and trust, love can’t flow.
So yeah, don’t put it on yourself either. You are the victim of abuse. Restorative justice, such as making amends, rebuilding trust, and ultimately hoping that love can be there again, that’s the job of the person that did the damage.
Its sad it takes us being fully independant and able to pull away in an enforceable way for them to get the message that they’re not god and they are not omnipotent as far as we are involved.
Its like: why the fuck did you have us if you weren’t ready to take that on and even so, why couldn’t you fucking leave us alone in lieu of all the active abuse and enforced profiting off our labor and suffering.
I would choose neglect 10/10 if i tmean they left me the fuck alone and didn’t interfere in my being as ok as I could make myself given the circumstances
Yeah for real.
I’m so grateful I had someplace to go to. My stepdad was not great either but he was much easier to cope with than my father. And my mom is my role model for compassion in this world.
Unfortunately in my case the cycle of abuse continued with my stepbrother when my dad remarried. Which is why I have doubts about him really getting the message. And my stepbrother ended up moving out when he was 17 and couchsurfing through the rest of high school.
Anyway, I made a edit to my post above. I just wanted to point out that we are the victims of abuse. Restoring the relationship is on the shoulders of the person that caused the damage to the relationship right. It’s up to them to make amends and rebuild trust. And without rebuilding trust there can’t be love. So, it’s really not our job.
Finding compassion and understanding for everyone can still be really helpful though in that it can lead to deeper self understanding. Which requires kind of stepping back and looking at the factors that contributed to the cycle. But that doesn’t mean you need to let an abusive person into your life. Or feel warmth towards them. Even if they do try to make amends, it’s completely acceptable to just not have the spoons to deal with it.
fight, flight, freeze and FAWN are reactions to trauma / abuse. If a parent is abusing a child, children don’t really have any other immediate option other than to fawn. They don’t know to call the police, they can’t fight back or run away.
Who you love is ultimately up to you. Some people still have love for their parents despite strictness, others might place the bar lower than you describe. That isn’t to say I encourage physical discipline, I’m only saying people have different priorities. I probably faced what people today would call an unacceptable category of discipline, but either way was and am too distracted by how I mention society treats me to care.
sarcastically.