Separation anxiety is what happens when you can’t find your phone.

The opportunity of a lifetime passed before him as he tried to decide between a cone or a cup.

He was surprised that his immense laziness was inspirational to others.

We will not allow you to bring your pet armadillo along.

Buried deep in the snow, he hoped his batteries were fresh in his avalanche beacon.

I’m a living furnace.

She saw the brake lights, but not in time.

Harrold felt confident that nobody would ever suspect his spy pigeon.

The fact that there’s a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell explains life well.

You have no right to call yourself creative until you look at a trowel and think that it would make a great lockpick.

It turns out you don’t need all that stuff you insisted you did.

I can’t believe this is the eighth time I’m smashing open my piggy bank on the same day!

The truth is that you pay for your lifestyle in hours.

It’s a skateboarding penguin with a sunhat!

For oil spots on the floor, nothing beats parking a motorbike in the lounge.

I’d rather be a bird than a fish.

Pretty sure that’s an easter egg that Google put in. Like when you search ‘Alex Trebek’ and it says ‘Did you mean: who is alex trebek’

It was always dangerous to drive with him since he insisted the safety cones were a slalom course.

Kevin embraced his ability to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

It took him a month to finish the meal.