You’d put a Choco Taco in your choco taco? Fierce.

Such a hard-ass line. Went out like a fucking boss.

“Dr.” Bubs is in Quadrant III. He’s the most quackinest.

One…two princes kneel before you.

One has diamonds in his pockets and never lies. The other wants to buy you rockets and never tells the truth.

What is the one question you could ask of only one of the princes to learn what a prince and lover ought to be so that your father won’t eat his hat and disown you?

I first dated online in 1999, and the first woman I dated I ended up marrying and having two kids with, though we divorced in 2017.

I still date online these days, and I prefer it. It allows me to know a little about a person before I waste any time chatting them up, and the things I need to know are things they generally put on their profile. Things like their sexuality (since I am non-binary), their political leaning (I’m socialist), their relationship orientation (I’m polyamorous), whether our values match…you know…important shit. And those early conversations before we ever meet in person are low-key enough that I feel more comfortable with them IRL, something that helps me as an autistic person.

My parents each smoked two packs a day inside the house for the entire 20 years I lived with them, and my mom had a massive heart attack and died at age 63. I carry a lot of trauma around all that, so I have a boundary about being around people who smoke anything, really. I should have exercised it that day, but my boundaries were sort of flimsy then.

Gitcha some of them all-dressed chips for a little flavor with your vinegar.

Possibly from stoners? Not badmouthing weed, and I have anxiety myself so I get it, and I get that some people medicate with it for the purpose of anxiety. But holy cow man, you gotta respect a person’s time.

She was an hour and a half late. I only waited for her because she was responding to my messages, apologized for her tardiness, and said a couple times she’d be there within 20-30 minutes which led to a 90-minute wait). Once she got there, she told me that she was late because she was having some anxiety that day and went to a friend’s to smoke a bowl first. She chainsmoked on the patio, and I sat away from her because I don’t want to smell that while I’m eating. She told me about a terrible book she was writing, with the sort of stupid plot you’d get from r/writingprompts. And then she said she needed to get high again and asked me if I wanted to come to her car with her while she did. I declined and said I was gonna head home. Proceeded to promply never see her again.

How about “Go to hell, Shakira?”

In my heart, I knew this comment would already be here.

I’d let you know how much I spend in electricity through PGE, but…

1. I just recently moved in, so I don’t have good data for you yet, and

2. Portland General Electric ≠ Pacific Gas & Electric

How many banks could Phil Banks fill if Phil Banks could fill banks?

Guess my job based on the following description:

I sell a product to a people who don’t believe they have any use for it during what they consider their personal time.

Answer:

I blocked him a couple days ago finally. He’s a hateful prick, glad to be rid of his nonsense.

No, there is too much precision required.

Reminds me of this Pete Holmes bit.

I can read UPC, UPC-8, ISBN, and EAN bar codes. Tear the numbers off the bottom of the bar code, hand me the lines, and I will tell you the numbers you tore off.

I used to work the midnight shift at a call center back in the late 90s. It was incredibly boring because we weren’t allowed to browse the internet when no calls were coming in (which was most of the time, got maybe five calls total per night). So I picked up a copy of Yahoo! Internet Life, a now-defunct technology-centered magazine. This issue had a how-to section for wacky shit like that, so I committed it to memory because wtf else was there to do?

The Magic Cafe - Forums for magicians of all skill levels

My brother’s father-in-law had offered to pay up to $15,000 for his daughter’s wedding. He gave them the option of taking it all in cash and then getting a courthouse wedding so they could have a nest egg to grow, or spend it all on the wedding of his fiancée’s dreams, or anywhere in between.

She opted to spend it all on the wedding. 😒 My gawd did that piss me off.