Im a top 1% player in Rocket League after playing for 4500 hours. The skill gap between me and the best players in the game is the same gap as between me and a brand new player.

But i will still beat 99% of the game’s population.

I turn yaml into aws bills

I can read UPC, UPC-8, ISBN, and EAN bar codes. Tear the numbers off the bottom of the bar code, hand me the lines, and I will tell you the numbers you tore off.

I used to work the midnight shift at a call center back in the late 90s. It was incredibly boring because we weren’t allowed to browse the internet when no calls were coming in (which was most of the time, got maybe five calls total per night). So I picked up a copy of Yahoo! Internet Life, a now-defunct technology-centered magazine. This issue had a how-to section for wacky shit like that, so I committed it to memory because wtf else was there to do?

I can fluidly open a trash bag, pull it into a straight line, and toss it like a dart, landing it in an open trash can from up to 30ft.

This only works with those cheap bags that businesses use and this was honed over years of changing trash at various businesses. Not useful, very majestic though.

I can clap with one hand

I can make double fart sounds by laying on my back and cupping my knee-armpits with both hands.

Not entirely useless though; I showed this to my SO 7 years ago when we started dating and she was clearly impressed as she’s still hanging around.

I can hold a marker with my toes and write with it.

Alternating between American and British spellings like it’s nothing. I just use whatever spelling I vibe with at the time. I’ll do the same with units of measurement as well.

I could never spin a pen around my thumb so instead I learned how to “flick” it, have it do a flip and land back in my hand.

I can also rapidly place two strips of tape on one another with no bubbles and parallel enough you’d think it’s one piece. However I can only do this vertically

I learned to ride a unicycle.

I won’t say “mastered” as I have lost the ability now, but back in college Pokemon endgame content gave me the ability to read braille by looking at it.

That’s about as useless as possible.

I have an uncanny ability to do things that are unpopular, that later become popular, but I can never imagine them becoming popular when I do them.

Saw Nirvana in a crowd of 30 people before they got famous, certainly never thought they would, it was so different from what was on the radio then. Bought a shirt from them, out of their little van parked in the alley behind the bar!

Used to wear vintage dresses from the thrift store in the 1980s, nobody around me was dressed anything like that, but later all of them got bought up by flippers.

Had tattoos when it was remarkably unusual for a woman, like if another woman with tattoos saw me they would stop and talk to me, I never ever ever would have thought they’d be mainstream.

Lots of stuff like that, like I’m out of synch with time but I can never capitalize on it because I don’t have the vision to understand that it will catch on!

I can spew random trivia about every latin american country.

I can jump up a small flight of stairs (3-4 stairs) in a way that makes it look like I just floated up the stairs.

I got good at it because in high school I thought it would be funny to be able to do this so I started practicing.

Hand farts, via practice.

Hand sanitizer really opens up avenues for expression.