I made fake adoption papers on my parent’s Apple IIc, printed them, then “weathered” the paper by burning the edges and yellowing them with a Pepsi bath.

I then tried to convince my little sister that we were not related. She was 6, believed that’s what 6 year old papers looked like, and cried a lot.

I was a shitty kid.

A long time ago, I worked in a computer repair shop. An old lady brought in her desktop for malware removal. It was a nicely spec’d machine, and included an Intel Core 2 Quad Q6700.

At the time, I had a Core 2 Duo E6600, I was on a tight budget, and was big into gaming.

“She’ll be fine.” “She doesn’t even know what’s in there now.” “She’s not using it to its full potential…”

I convinced myself it was a victimless crime.

I swapped the processors. :(

I got detention off of a teacher for saying “Hitler the Shitler” or “Hitler is a Shitler” or something suchlike during a lesson, even though several other kids had already said it and didn’t get in trouble.

Technically, the detention was for swearing, though I chose to interpret it as “Miss Teacher loves Hitler and he is her boyfriend”.

I instigated a petty campaign of cartoons, blackboard messages, textbook graffiti and just general rumours that this poor teacher was genuinely a Hitler-loving-Nazi, and had a Hitler shrine in her house. As I was generally honest, well behaved etc, it was readily believed and spread quickly.

As she was relatively unpopular as a teacher, many of the other students joined in, goosestepping past her in the corridor, nazi saluting behind her back etc.

After a few weeks, upon entering the classroom to find a full blackboard chalk cartoon of her and Hitler getting married, she started crying and shouted at us and we all felt awful.

I apologised to her after the lesson, and she actually apologised for unfairly singling me out for punishment “to set an example” and oddly, we actually got on pretty well after that, and the Hitler jokes faded out naturally.

Playing in the yard when I was little, I had sharpened a stick to a point. I saw my little brother running across the yard. In my head, I imagined throwing the “spear” through his legs and tripping him. That would have been enough of a dick move. Instead, I skewered him directly in the ankle. He had to get stitches.

Literally just kicked out a friend who’s been staying at my house for months. I don’t like it, but he has his own house with a housing voucher and will try to bullshit his way through anything. The dude’s been camping my house smoking weed all day every day enjoying my house more than I get to and keeping the kitchen trashed.

I don’t think it’s my responsibility to save him from the hole he’s dug one shovel full per day while expecting us to deal with it.

I gotta remember to add joke shop blood to my edc just in case a situation like that comes up, I guess.

In 7th grade science class, I convinced a classmate the substance we were about to test was cocoa and he should taste it. It was dirt.

I was one of those 80s latchkey kids with very little supervision growing up. I stole a lot of stuff, from stores, from my friends, from school. I stole change from my parents to buy candy. I would lead my friends on wild goose chases through abandoned buildings and vacant construction sites. We shattered windows and set fires. I would go through my parent’s belongings and find presents they’d hidden for Christmas, carefully open them, play with them, then put them back as I found them.

I was never caught doing any of it. I was a little shit, and it’s one of the many reasons I’ll never have my own kids, because I worry they’ll be just like me or worse.

I don’t know if it’s the biggest but I used a highlighter and drew a huge line on a girl’s shirt in 6th grade

So, NSFW story time…

!I used to hook up with a dude who precummed (precame?) a lot. He also had really bad tasting jizz. I am also that person that totally loses interest in sex the moment I cum. For at least 10-15 minutes after I get off I have no interest in sex. So whenever I would to over and he would blow me, I would have some excuse why I couldn’t recip. To include discreetly setting fake calls on my phone to ring right after I came. I feel really bad now for using him the way I did. I’d have let him top if he’d wanted to, but he never wanted to, and he never wanted to let me blow him first (which I wouldn’t have wanted to do, but would have powered through probably). I was young, and didn’t really have the nerve to discuss taste and stuff with him. I’m not that douchebag now, but I still feel guilty about it. !<

In high school, I was oblivious that one of my coworkers had a crush on me. They went to a different high school and invited me to their prom. I was surprised and said yes without thinking, then proceeded to ghost them until they gave up.

When I was in middle school, like a lot of us I was an idiot who had no social skills and no skill in emotional self-regulation.

One day, between classes as I walked from one classroom building to the next, I had a sucker in my hand. I don’t remember what kind (this was in the early 90s) but it was big, sweet, and on a stick.

A classmate (black) came up behind me (white), smacked the sucker out of my hand onto the ground, and laughed as he jogged onto the next building. I shouted “you fucking n-word!” at him except I used the actual hard r slur and not the circumlocution.

Neither of us got in any trouble that I can remember. No teachers, staff, or snitches were nearby.

Middle aged me has a much larger and more creative vocabulary and would have never needed to stoop so low as to use racial slurs. Also, middle aged me wouldn’t eat suckers any more because of health concerns. I’m assuming the classmate involved has similarly grown and matured and no longer smacks candy out of peoples hands for fun.

I had a few bad breakups in my late teens and early 20’s. Just shitty young people stuff but for a bunch of reasons I’ve spent the following 15 to 20 years unpacking, I took poorly.

I got a job as a bouncer, I was 25, I was in pretty good shape and I spent the next 3 years being an atrociously shameless fuckboy. I never lied or took advantage, I never misled or coerced but I was absolutely shameless. At the time I kind of figured turnarounds are fair game but in hindsight I probably owe some apologies.

One of my best friends moved across the country to chase after a girl and came home with her. She was never working and I worked over nights. Everyone always came over to my house to hang out, meet up and party. We hooked up. I still hate that I did it. But he and are still friends and talk regularly. He has a new wife and awesome life.

According to my camp counselor, going all in during a game of poker where I knew everyone else at the table were dumbasses who were going to all take the bait for the lulz

It was because it was supposed to be a group bonding activity and my play ended the game when there was still a half hour in the schedule XD