For LGBTQ+ folks who want to blend in, what tips or advice can you give?
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Less is more.
I knew a guy who was gay, but closeted at work, or at least, he thought he was closeted at work.
He came out to a friend of mine at work, and she took me into confidence, nervous about revealing his secret. I had to tell her everybody knew. I suggested that she let him know that he could be out to the rest of us and it wouldn’t make a difference (partly because no one cared and partly because everyone knew).
When one of the guys was getting married, the gay guy was the one that insisted we had to have a bachelor’s party at a strip club for him. We all went to a strip club because we weren’t supposed to know he was gay and we couldn’t just say, “Dude, you’re gay. Straight, adult guys don’t really do this. Can we just go to a restaurant and get dinner or something?”
Straight =/= misogynistic. In fact, I would argue misogynistic would usually mean some kind of confusion or anxiety about sexual identity anyway.
Straight people aren’t all the same any more than LGBTQ+ people are the same. I’m a straight, CIS male. I don’t like sports at all. I don’t drink beer. I like deep, emotional movies. I like show tunes and musicals. I sew. I also like trucks. I like the outdoors, but I would never want to go hunting because I don’t want to kill anything.
There’s a guy from my high school who everyone thought was gay. He’s not gay, but there’s have probably always been people who thought he is. He has a kind of flamboyant persona. He’s married to my wife’s best friend from high school and they have two grown kids.
My advice, just be who you are. If you can’t be out, don’t be out, but you don’t have to put on an act. The closer you stay to the truth the easier it is.
To give another example from a not-gay guy: I drink beer, I enjoy stupid movies like Gladiator where almost naked guys bash each other’s heads (but not because they are naked, because the movie is funny), I don’t like musicals, I sew too, but I don’t care about trucks.
Why all this? Don’t know, don’t care, being myself is hard enough, I don’t have time to think about it or give excuses.
Being gay is weird for a lot of reasons I can’t understand. I have a friend who is “almost closeted” but too old to hide it fully. We respect his decision not to talk about it, but we always laugh when he makes jokes about blowjobs or crude stuff that only gay bros can do. He’s a great friend and doesn’t look repressed or depressed, but I always hope that he’s not unhappy inside.
Edit: shit, I made 2 answers on the same comment, well, fuck it.
As someone who has masked both neurodivergence and sexuality, it’s not worth it. It will be challenging to navigate our biased and unaccommodating world, but the challenges pale in comparison to true happiness. Happiness is always fleeting, so seeking a negative peace pretending to be something you’re not is a fool’s errand. Hiding yourself will only ever lead to pain and mental anguish.
Pick 3 shirts, 3 pants, mix and matchable. Only wear those shirts and pants. Wash them all in the same load. Do not read the instructions. Do not iron them.
Shoes. 1 pair. 2 if one of them is for mowing the lawn.
Move with a purpose. Do not stop to enjoy the finer things. You’ve got place to be that matters more than any beauty that might inspire you.
Do not dog whistle at hunky construction workers. We all want to, but the straight men manage to resist most of the time.
That should cover about 95% of it.
Edit: this is advice is primarily for gay men. I can’t really give “straight advice” to women.
Do not dog whistle at hunky construction workers. We all want to, but the straight men manage to resist most of the time.
We do, although it is terribly difficult. We calculate every route so as to avoid construction sites.
Yes, this is why straight men are often lateI break out in a cold sweat when I’m driving and I see that particular hue of orange on a roadsign. I turn my volume and bass all the way up for my music so no one can hear my catcalls.
Are you really gay? You know so much about straight guys, it’s perfect.
Not gay (yet). My LGBTQ+ friends have described me as “hopelessly straight”.
Speech Cadence. I know some people do it, and some don’t, but if you do it (and I hope you know what I mean) then at the very least, this will immediately lead many people to assume you are LGBTQ+, regardless of how true it may be. I say this in the interest of helping, and sincerely hope it does not imply or convey any sort of bias on my part. The fact that people in this country need this information right now deeply saddens and angers me.
There are no traits that are universally “straight traits”, “gay traits”, “trans traits” or even “ace traits”. So any behavior you can have is technically “acting straight”.
^^^^^^ Having this attitude is a great way to portray yourself as straight. It’s the idea that “straight culture” == “default.” Straight culture is a thing, just like gay culture is.
Yes, you can cling to pointless technicalities. There is no one behavior that 0 gay people ever engage in, or any behavior that 0 straight people ever engage in. But this is ridiculously reductive and ignore that despite outliers, clear cultural grouping of traits exists.
So loving people the same gender as you in a romantic sense is straight behavior?
You’re being obtuse. It concerns behavior towards people you’re not romantically involved with.
Is that your personality or just a fact about you?
Besides that I mean. For example, all those people who say there is a “gay gait” are generalizing.
Unless you’re a walking flaming stereotype, nothing? Just don’t mention your boy/girlfriend
what do you mean, walking flaming stereotype?
Just don’t wear it on your sleeve and most folks, (the idiots that care, especially), are unlikely to notice. They look for stereotypes, not facts. Your sexuality isn’t the whole of you, it’s just part of who you are. No need to flaunt it, most of the time. If you have a hobby, interest, or career that stereotypically matches the sex you present as, it’s all the more likely no one will notice, and those few that do, probably won’t care.
If you’re a dude, master the nod: down to show respect, up for peers.
Yes, this is very important. Don’t whistle at Costco. Only my dad does that. You’re not my dad, so stop it if you’re doing that.
Easy one. Get your best guy/girl friend if you can use their photo as your phones lock screen pic or background.
How would anyone know your sexual orientation if you dont specifically do things to show it?
Like, dont grab another mans/womans ass in public, dont talk about nice dicks/boobs you saw in a magazine. Dont act like what people generally associate with the other sex (this one might be difficult if your interests lie in those fields). I think homosexuals that stand out a lot are usually aware of it and like to act it out.
I think homosexuals that stand out a lot are usually aware of it and like to act it out.
What a pedestrian view of your own culture. Sad.
Not sure what you mean. There are definitely homosexuals that show it openly and get into a kind of ‘role’, actively acting out the cliches, no need to deny that. I know many gay men and for most you wouldnt notice if you didnt know them, but some are very extravagant and thats their thing.
What tv shows/movies with gay and straight people. Don’t do what you see the gay people do. For a lot of people, especially the gay haters, their only experience of gay people is from tv and movies.
Of course anything too gay friendly they won’t have watched. So skip will and grace. Go for things where the gay person is minor comic relief. That is the kind of stuff the haters would have put up with. And I assume there must be some shows or movies that demonize gay people. Those would be research material. I just don’t know of any. Maybe listen to that black comedian who was anti LGBTQ+. I am sure he was spouting all the sterotypes that haters would recognize.Terribly fitting clothes, terrible outfits, caribiner for your keys, “the wife”
For gay men, where hats and wear clothes that kind of clash. Drab colors too. My fave is grey shirts and grey pants.
dont wear hats. (except a sports cap if you like sports)
Honestly I wish everyone spoke as clearly and articulately as gay men. Mumble and mangle your words together, and dumb down your vocabulary to sound like the typical straight dude. Think of yourself as a kid in school, the teacher just called on you, and you really don’t want to answer.
I’m straight and I’ve been accused of being gay before for being an intellectual and compassionate and not demonstrating an affinity for sports and similar competing with other men. I’ve also been accused of being trans before because of an affinity for playing female characters in tabletop (I like diverse groups so I often play female or black characters because many other folks won’t) and computer RPGs (I prefer to stare at a woman’s ass all day over a man’s and I tend to enjoy the voice acting better).
So I guess don’t do anything I do.
I cross my legs at the thighs when I sit, and I’ve been told all my life that it’s a feminine trait. It’s just comfy, IDGAF.
