Gotta keep it vague for privacy but the key details should be enough. We first met through a dating app. It didn’t work out. We remained friends. Became best friends. They fell on terribly hard times. They moved in with me. Sleeping on the couch was not good for the long term. We now share a bed, and eventually went halvesies on a new bigger one. We became very close over the past few years. I love my best friend. Sometimes do non intercourse sexish things but have no interest in a relationship. Hard times are likely to continue due to external problems that despite our best efforts, will not likely go away. I’d never kick them out, it would be on the level of hurting a puppy. What kind of monster would do that? I have been wanting a relationship but it would be awkward to have to explain all this to any new partners. I can’t even imagine how my friend would take it. I wouldn’t want to sacrifice our relationship just so I can start dating again. A room in the apartment is vacant now and they could move into that one but I dread broaching the topic to them. I don’t know how they’re going to react and no matter what happens I want to keep this person in my life. We’re getting older and there’s no guarantee that the “hard times” will go away. It might even last the rest of our lives. I don’t know what to do. I can’t face the reality that they might leave rather than watch me do my own thing. How do I have my cake and eat it too?
This is already a relationship. A non-sexual one, but still. Even a very strong one.
In a relationship, when the two are on such different levels (as indicated somewhat as “hard times”), then a crisis is unavoidable, sooner or later.
You want to do your own thing. That is very OK and normal. Just be prepared that the way out is going to hurt, for a while.
I’ve been avoiding it because it will probably hurt us both but reading through these responses I am beginning to see that you’re right. Thanks for responding.
Can’t have your cake and eat it too, you can choose one or the other, but if you pretend that both are possible you might hurt and get hurt.
It sucks but I don’t think there is a way for your current relationship (since it is one) to remain pleasent while going for another
Also, maybe have a talk with your friend, figure out what you are to eachother
I can’t even imagine how my friend would take it.
OK, OK, time out. You haven’t tried talking with them about it? If you have as strong a mutual (platonic(ish?)) relationship with them as you say you do, then it should be able to survive a serious conversation about your shared future, especially if you emphasize that you want to try to keep them in your life in a major way like this.
That conversation will probably be hard, and I really can’t think of a solution that would feel perfect if I were in your shoes, but I would sure as hell rather have that conversation than the “I made a decision, and here is how you will be impacted” one, or the “I kept my life on hold because I was worried how you might react to talking about it” one.
I don’t know your personality or your friend’s personality, so I can’t promise that you will sort it all out without emotions running high, or what the ultimate outcome of such a conversation will be.
But jeez, bud, you’ve GOT to be able to have serious talks with people whom you trust and care about.
I guess I am a bit of a coward. I do appreciate the comment. It’s a good point.
You seem like a caring person, so perhaps this will help guide decision-making. When you make major decisions that deeply impact another person, or even just get real far in evaluating options and imagining outcomes, asking strangers, etc…when you do these things without communicating with the other person at all, the end result is you protecting yourself, not them. Even if it feels like you’re carefully considering their interests.
No matter your intentions, if you’re not communicating with them and letting them participate in big decisions that affect you both, you are not acting in their best interests. There are many times (like abuse) when that is 100% the right approach, but you need to be very clear eyed about that choice to remove the other person’s agency. The way you’re going about this protects you at their expense, and in this situation it sounds kind of cruel, rather than justified. I’m not judging you harshly, your intentions seem good, but you need to understand that this is not a loving way to treat an adult.
Your cowardice is likely the result of psychological trauma.
You need to think of this as an opportunity to heal some trauma, using this situation as the path into that healing.
My advice is get a good therapist. Preferably one who’s been practicing since the 1990s or earlier.
You tell your best friend what you need and they will either understand or take a different path in life.
It’s quite simple really.
Yep. If you communicate respectfully, they aren’t your best friend if they don’t care about your desires / goals.
That doesn’t mean they won’t have hurt feelings or need time to process though.
I feel bad for your friend.
You seem to treat them as an object to serve your emotional needs and have created a situation where they are dependent on you.
They will probably agree to polyamory out of desperation but it will kill them inside, you aren’t doing them a favor.
Yeah that’s not going to end well. You’re basically in a relationship.
You need therapy to figure out why you’re placing the needs of other people ahead of your own.
Any advice is to hire a competent therapist. If you’re a man, I also advise joining a men’s group.
This kind of compulsion will fuck up your life if you don’t get it figured out.
non-intercourse sex things in bed with your best friend whom you’re keeping around for financial reasons: fuck you got some shit to figure out
You don’t
You have lived with diffuse boundaries for some time and are now reaping the penalties. You can and should proceed with care and grace as you implement boundaries and define roles to move to where you want to be but it is absolutely foolish to think that it will not be at least a little hurtful to your pseudo partner.
they will implement their boundaries in response to changes you are proposing; you have to respect these. If they chose to leave and tell you to fuck off then you have learned a valuable lesson in why you shouldn’t let boundaries be so diffuse for so long through so many changing contexts.
It’s not realistic (usually) to expect you to know everything you need and want from a relationship up front but when contexts change you need to clarify what is and is not okay. If you’re okay with keeping it casual after things don’t work out that’s fine but make sure they’re aware. If they suddenly have to move in consider the boundaries of the situation again: are they still cool with keeping it casual? Are they now that you share a bed? Are they now that you’ve purchased a bed together?
If you’re the one that wants it casual and wants the door open for new relationships it’s your responsibility to make sure your partner is aware of where you stand. One could say your friend/partner is foolish for assuming you’ve changed where you stand, and they’d have a valid point, but one could also say that you’ve been very misleading here. Boundaries need to be enforced and they need to be occasionally reviewed as contexts change, otherwise they fade away
All very valid, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I just feel terrible and upset about creating this situation. I, perhaps we, did let the lines blur, I don’t blame either one of us for it. Convenience and familiarity dropped our guard. We were there for each other when we needed it but in hindsight it was foolish to let things go past physical barriers or maybe even emotionally without considering the future. At the time they moved in it was supposed to be temporary, I did miss that detail in my post. That’s no longer the case but we never revisited the topic of where things stand. It’s obvious to me now that I must say something. Thanks for your response.
Life is messy and boundaries blur. Boundaries in relationships aren’t static things and can change. Just keep talking and it and it’s will be fine. You might not get exactly what you want but it will be better in the long run
My only advice is to not try to avoid pain here.
Boundaries get blurred when we try to avoid causing short term pain.
You need to accept that this situation will involve pain to change. If you act out a policy of causing no pain, you will be stuck because every path out of this involves pain.
This reads as ar anxious attachment and underdeveloped boundaries.
Your needs and wants are valid OP. You deserve autonomy in your own life.
Your friend, intentionally or not, seems to be manipulating you and taking advantage, and you seem to be enabling that.
You should discuss having a partner with them, and what that would look like. They should work with you to promote your needs and wants and fulfillment. That’s what friends do.
You don’t, I’m sorry. It sounds like the only scenario you’d be happy in is if your friend is happy to share you, although from the sounds of your story your friend wouldn’t be happy to share you. Which means one of you wants more in the relationship and haven’t cleared business about it. I would recommend you talk this with them. Maybe it can work between you two or maybe you realise your friend isn’t as dependent on you as you think. If they’re clinging to you but you want to move on please cut those strings, they only become more and more painful with time.
I don’t see anyone commenting from the perspective of that friend, and what being them might be like after you talk to them.
I am currently friends with someone I used to be in love with, but she did not feel the same way, so while we dated a few months, she eventually told me it wasn’t going anywhere.
That hurt like hell. But the love and respect I felt and feel for her meant that not spewing a bunch of negative feelings her way was my first concern. If your friend is a wonderful person, they will probably think along similar lines, but you can’t let them entirely spare you. Show them you feel with them.
I was probably the saddest I’ve been, learning it wouldn’t work out, and the time after was akward af.
She told me point blank that some of her friends had adviced her to cut me out of her life entirely, that it would be the “kinder” thing to do. Thank the deities she didn’t follow that advice as we both still wanted each other in our lives. And we DID make it work.
Maintaining the relationship was extra difficult for a while. Years. We came to a kind of unspoken agreement that our romantic lives were a taboo between us, but we went through the motions of a frienship even as she felt she was walking on glass with how I was hurting, and me essentially pretending to be ok when I wasn’t.
That doesn’t mean we didn’t enjoy each others company throughout that, but we made an effort to focus on good things. If we went into the complicated stuff, there was a feedback-loop of empathy where she’d feel bad because I was hurting, which would make me feel bad for making her feel bad for something which was in no way her fault… Etc.
A thing we did when meeting, was that she’d ask “are you ok” to which I’d reply, “no, but I’m going to be”. This way we acknowledged it was there, but buried it most of the time because it was the kind of thing that would get worse the more we dwelled on it. So we didn’t.
I spared her any displays of heartache best I could, and she never rubbed her new boyfriend in my face.
Eventually, I came to the realization that I wasn’t in love anymore. That hearing about her going on dates or moving in with her SO, didn’t cause a twinge of misery. Next time we met, I took up the subject of my former infatuation, and we talked through all the things that had been taboo between us, catching up on things we would have talked about, if not for the need to spare each others feelings. From that day, we’ve been easy friends, able to talk about everything again.
She told me that conversation was really important, as she wasn’t going to put in the extra effort forever. Neither was I, but unlike me she had no way of knowing whether she had to keep it up, unless I told her.
This is to say, when you talk to your friend and figure out how your feelings for each other differ, and what you might want from other people, make a plan for how to get to a new normal, and how you want things to work in-between.
My current friendship with this woman is quite different from the friendship I had before I fell for her, but it’s just as stable, if not more so. But the time in-between required a lot of effort, and a couple very honest conversations. In hindsight, I can find a ton of points when we might’ve just stopped meeting. But neither of us wanted to lose the other. Make that VERY clear. We both told each other, many times, and I think that’s why neither of us ever got into the mindset that it would be “kinder” to “let the other go”.
This is a great point that making a plan to stay friends can work and morph a relationship. It’s not the same but nothing stays the same.
I can’t help but notice you didn’t say anything about how your potential new partner might feel about this. Perhaps you didn’t think it was relevant, but that’s a huge blind spot if you haven’t considered it.
Yeah, I’ve thought about it. Things would definitely have to change before I started dating. I think what I didn’t consider is how long it might take to make those changes. That I couldn’t just jump into it now that I’m feeling ready.
Or try having a relationship with your friend? A relationship is basically a good friendship with shared responsibilities (and sex, if you’ve got the time). You’re almost there already.
Who doesn’t have the time?
Ace people, I would assume, but don’t want to put words in anyone’s mouth.
I don’t think it’s a matter of time though. 2 minutes tops.
Honestly was in a somewhat similar situation with my best friend. They would be the one in your shoes except I’m the one with the house. We aren’t sharing a bed or having “not quite sex” but we are close enough and do enough “dating” activities togeather that most people think we’re dating and a few people still insist that what we’re doing is dating even when we both tell them that we aren’t. Your relationship is a bit closer so that will make things sting a bit more.
The answer is to just talk to them. If you are comfortable enough to sleep with eachother then you should be comfortable enough to have difficult conversations. I would personally just start out by bringing up that you want to start dating again and ,while you don’t want to kick them out, sharing a bed isn’t going to work when you want to bring someone home.
It’s going to sting for them; it did for me when my friend started dating again even when I knew us dating wasn’t going to happen. But, if they care about being your friend then, they’ll get over it; I did. Your relationship with them will change but not necissarily for the worse. Honestly I’m closer with my friend than ever. We’ve gone from being close best friends to practically being siblings. Hell, I’m closer with them than I ever was with any of my actual family. Yes we both date other people but that doesn’t mean we both don’t still share everything. Don’t try to put the relationship in a box. Be open and honest then just see how it grows/changes. At the same time, every relationship has boundries, don’t be afraid to set some.
As mentioned before you will need to have some direct conversations with your roommate / best friend. This might be awkward or strange but you can get through it and no matter what the outcome it will be better in the long run. When having these conversations start with saying “this might be awkward or weird”, since acknowledging this will remove most of the awkwardness.
First off you need to talk with them about wanting to try to date. Specify that you want them to stay living with you but there might be changes around the house and that you might be bringing people over when its that time. Be upfront about it and let them know. If you are both on the same page about not being in a “relationship” this should not be a problem. (Note: even friendship is a relationship so you two have a relationship just not a boyfriend/girlfriend romantic relationship). Lead with everything you said here “wouldn’t want to sacrifice our relationship just so I can start dating again.” is a great start.
When dating make sure to bring up this situation early and as a positive thing, since for the right person this is a huge green flag. In the first few dates when talking about your living situation mention you live with a person who you dated and hooked up with a few time but the romance fizzled and now you are close friends. This should be positive to show you treat your potential sexual/romantic partners as people not objects and will be a good way to weed out people who are too jealous of your situation. If someone doesn’t want to see you after this disclosure you don’t want to be with that person. Make sure any potential dates gets to meet your roommate early to see you can interact with opposite gender people as friends. (Note: I am assuming you are mixed genders since this is a complete non-issue in queer spaces). Hiding your roommate / best friend won’t help anyone.
As you get to know your dates longer once you get to the “relationship” and monogamy opt-in moment (3 to 6 months in) make sure you have an explicit conversation about it. What does this mean for you and them and what is and isn’t allowed. This might mean no more sexual situations with your roommate / best friend but might not. Same with cuddling and snuggling with your roommate / best friend. At this point any new “boyfriend / girlfriend” and roommate / best friend should know each other and can judge what that means to them.
This slightly more complicated to everyone else but not by much. Your situation isn’t anything crazy and shouldn’t be a deal breaker. Just talk about it. You got this!!!
Thank you, I appreciate it. I’m beginning to feel a little more confident. You brought up good points. I really wouldn’t want to be with someone who can’t accept we are pretty much a package deal even if I’m looking for a monogamous romantic partner. I do not and have not intend(ed) to continue any sexual stuff going forward (not that it’s often or anything) especially since this is how I feel. I was afraid to miss out on someone because of our complex relationship but my right person would be accepting.
I’m going to be honest. This will be a big hump to get over for most people. They have to be very trusting or vulnerable early in the relationship because this situation makes it very easy for you to cheat on them. Or your friend to get jealous and poison the well
Having mixed gendered friends isn’t that weird even those you might have hooked up with. What do you think highschool is?
Be honest and make sure the friend is on the same page.
Having mixed gender friends is not the issue. They sleep in the same bed and do sexual stuff together. OP said they are a package deal. OP said the roommate may not be able to move out.
This really isn’t that complex except it doesn’t fit the standard dominant heteronormative story for dating. Those stories where your eyes met across the bar and you fall in love with your new partner instantly. You either then stay together forever in the “success” story or fall apart in a dramatic fashion and never see each other again for a “failure” story. This isn’t common and real life is more messy for these “failures”. Just note that most people leave out the mess when telling their romantic “success” stories. I dated / hooked up with lots of my wives friends before we are started dating and so did she.
You had your best friend / roommate were / are a “failure” in this model but a success in real life. You made a real friendship out of failed dates and romantic relationship. That’s a success.
Just be upfront and honest with everyone. Make sure your roommate / best friend agrees that you don’t have a romantic future but rather what you currently have. Tell your future dates a simplified story about your roommate upfront and everyone will be cool. You got this
